Nervous Excitement

28 Jan
Making the ever cool Peace sign (Senior year of High school)

For this one, I’m breaking from my little fable stint, but don’t worry they will be back. I just need to consult and vent, work things out a little bit you know?
I’m sure if anyone reads these things, if I’m wasting my time and I should write something else, something that may be more worthwhile. But to be honest I need to write I think almost as if I need to breathe. I have journals and books of poetry that I’ve kept since it seems like forever, and in each of them their contains a piece of my heart. Sometimes I read them and I don’t even know what I was thinking or I’m astounded at what I’ve written. Its amazing how time changes you isn’t.
I know that the person I used to be in high school, is not at all the person I am now. Four years ago, I used to have a plan that involved me becoming extremely successful, I wanted to be venerated for my brains, I wanted myself to be a success. And I guess that’s normal, I guess everyone wants to be a success, no harm in that right?
Of course not, but the thing is, now I just want to help people, now I just want to make a difference.
Is that selfish too? Am is my wanting to help others, simply for my own benefit and how people will see me, or am I doing it because I am genuine?

Presently I was accepted into a program that would allow me to teach English in Cambodia or another Asian country and earn an MA while doing it. Everything in me desperately pulls me to go, to serve and use my abilities to make a difference in the lives of others and also myself. I want to be challenged, I want to be put to the test. Can I take it? Can my faith and love for God pull me through, or will this be a constant battle believing that maybe this could be harder than it sounds?
I also have to raise money to go. Asking for money is nobody’s strong suit, and I’m no exception. But would people think that I simply want to go abroad because its a romantic concept, or would they truly believe I want to be useful, to help people. Would they know?
One thing I do know. If I stay here, I’ll be suffocated, caged, my heart would not be able to breathe. Some people have a passion to serve here, others have a passion to serve abroad. My heart belongs in other places,  not here, I am pulled to go.
So I’m nervous, because its another step and another leap of faith to see if I’m up for this challenge and whether my family will support me, give me their blessing in an understanding that this is what I need to do with my life.
So I’m excited because my soul has wings and I’m elated that my dream might become a reality. I’m alive, and I have the rest of life ahead of me to make a difference and to work hard. I know that throughout this journey I may trip and stumble, but you learn from your mistakes, you pick yourself up and keep going trying harder, working harder.
Now that will be a challenge.

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One Response to “Nervous Excitement”

  1. Lizzy February 5, 2011 at 8:23 pm #

    Tricia This is so exciting!! I know God has incredible things planned out for you- just can't wait to see what they are!!!

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