the Experiment.

6 Mar

*First before you begin. You must read the entire post to reach the point of what I’m writing. 

Side Note:

When I started blogging a few years ago, I thought to myself; “A random publisher, a random millionaire, would find me…tell me I’ve got talent and then say ‘let’s make you famous’.” And then I’d say, “Of course.”

Just do. Leave it there, if it comes, let it come, but don’t look for it. ~ Swami Satchidanada

So I’ve a good 10 “likes” on one of my earlier posts and well in my mind that’s just as good as being famous. Heck, the world knows me now! Am I right or am I right?

***

Throughout my days at my beloved high-school, I was quite obsessed with perfection (as mentioned in my earlier post titled Rambling). Yes, during that time in my life, I allowed myself no deviance, no obscurities, no mishaps. Perhaps that’s why I’ve never dated. If I wasn’t perfect, I’d berate my intellect with harsh comments as if it were an unclean rag.

My formula for life followed the integral rule:

(a negative)(a negative) = a positive.

How does it work?

Let’s say one week I knew I had a huge test coming up. I’d study for hours, write out my notes, memorize, practice, quiz myself and test my knowledge. Like a good student would.

The test day would come, I’d write my test. Then promptly upon exiting the test room, convince myself beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had failed. How could I have passed? I wasn’t bright, I wasn’t brilliant. Yes I had studied, understood and learned what I was meant to. But in the end did it show?

I’d whirl myself into a tizzy, lure my brain into the belief that indeed, “No, I wasn’t smart, I had in fact, failed.”

My logic was that if I made myself believe the worst upon the worst, then when I got the test back and I had failed, then I’d be ready. But, if I got the test back and I’d “aced” it, then the enormous amount of happiness in my heart would be that much greater.

Another example. A certain fellow wants to get to know me more, we hang out. I convince myself that the only reason this is happening is…(you list the reasons). I make myself believe those things, so that when the roof falls through the ceiling; I’ll be ready.

It works.

All throughout high school, throughout college. Practice makes perfect and so over time I’ve become adept at making myself believe the worst. I’m in top form. And I continue to do it. Throughout life I let myself believe the absolute worst about my situation, so that when the worst happens, I’ll at least be ready.

Until recently.

I read an article about positivity. I don’t remember where. I don’t remember who wrote it. But I have it stuck in my mind and it surfaces when those ever so convincing thoughts surface.

In the article the formula for life followed the integral equation:

(a positive)(a positive) = a positive

Meaning if I send out positivity, positivity will find its way back to me.

***

experiment time.

So I’m experimenting with this new formula. I’m thinking those positive thoughts, sending them out into the world and I’m waiting to see what happens in a situation.

The situation:

Met a guy. We hit it off so to speak. Usually I’d think, “Nothing will happen.” BUT on the positive strain I’m forcing myself to believe “Something will spark!”

We’ll see won’t we?

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One Response to “the Experiment.”

  1. mox March 9, 2013 at 9:53 pm #

    I would say go with the positive at all times. If you are let down you have still lived that part of your life positively. If you are not let down then wow….it is all great! So the equations could now be:
    positive + negative= a life learning experience which makes life richer
    positive + positive= REJOICE!

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