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From Dr. Seuss

8 Sep

drseussyouhavebrainsinyourhead

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Us happy people gotta stick together.

I depend heavily on my family and my friends whom I ask  to send anything on happiness, or their motivation, how they find it all in the name of life and being able to live it. I am very grateful to them for their participation. If you’d like to do so please…drop me a line.~FindingFelicity

Please check out blood.ca to find a clinic and give.

 

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my atypical affair

9 Mar

She casually applied a bright shade of red lipstick and said coldly, “You’re not boring, I’ll give you that.” But still she tapped her foot impatiently.

“It was never in my list of attributions,” he smirked and uncorked a bottle of 1985 Pinot Noir, “You enjoy dry wine?”

“Mmmm, yes,” she took a sip and nodded in appreciation, “But not my favourite.”

He glanced down at the bottle. An expensive bottle, blinked and sighed in resignation, “Unreadable. I’ll give you that.”

“Good. That’s my goal.”

She’s playing it cool, but in reality her heart is beating as fast as a team of wild horses. If he  had bothered to look closer at her, he’d have noticed her hands fidgeting and shaking. But his ego was scorned and now he would give anything to have the upper hand in what was going on. After all, he was supposed to be the unreadable one. 

“I called you.”

“I know you did,” he said and flicked open his lighter, lit a cigarette and took a long drag.

She shoved her hands in her pockets, took a step back, hesitated and finally choked out, “I didn’t know you smoked.”

He pulled the collar up around to his chin, creating an even greater barrier between them, “There’s a lot you don’t know.”

“I see.”

A gust of wind blew her auburn hair in her eyes, she brushed it away thoughtlessly. He would have given anything to be the one to do that a few days ago. But that was then. This is now.

“What happened with this?” she asked and motioned with her hand between the two of them.

***

Perhaps the couple above got things sorted. Perhaps they didn’t. Both were wrapped in themselves, caring too much about their own appearance and not focusing on the other. Both wanted to fast-forward past the awkward bits. She wants him to be madly in love with her but isn’t willing to compromise her feelings and vis versa. Their pride got in the way. 

***

I’ve come to notice a few things about myself and relationships. How they begin, how they end. I’ve realized that it closely resembles my connection, my affair if you will, with writing.  The ups and the downs. They both follow the same pattern.

We meet. I play coy. We hit it off. We hang out for a while. Slowly growing closer. But then I drift off, lose interest and by the same token, so does he. We were never very close to begin with anyways, so it shouldn’t really matter. But in the end, I’m still hurt, needy, just a tad and I wonder why it happened at all in the first place.

And so it’s the same with my writing, my poetry and my blogging. We meet. I play coy. We hit it off. Again slowly growing closer. I hang on to it for a while, but then I lose interest, commitment. I drift off. Our “closeness” was only ever an illusion anyways, so it shouldn’t really matter. But at the end of the day, I’m needy, I wonder what went wrong. Why did we drift so far apart?

Effort. Patience. That’s what’s lacking. Like with the couple first written about, the effort and the simple pure fact that pride overrides the want for “something more”. As with my relationships, I’ve always given my pride a cushy pillow, and taken the short cuts to success.

Not really concerned with if it were to be read by anyone. I didn’t (and still don’t) care whether it would flow or make any continuous sense. I wrote what I thought should be written. Perhaps baring myself to bare. I write based on a pattern discovered in Hollywood.

Actresses who show their top nude are more likely to win an Oscar

Attempting to get recognition the fast way. Anyone who knows anything about relationships would tell me that things take time. I want writing and I to hit the big time the fast way. Just like I want a relationship to happen with the snap of my fingers.

No waiting involved.

Upon further examination; where the couple above “forgot” to mention their want or need for each other, they could have admitted a little “human”ness about them. Instead the situation could have gone something like this:

***

“If I were to tell you, that you’re amazing,” she took a deep breath, “what would you say?”

“I would say, you’re quite amazing yourself,” he whispered and gently clasped her hand.

And then this would happen:

love affair

***

Pure and simple.

 

The Human Issues

3 Jan

How my job in an English school in Beijing has taught me to be apathetic.

You got ’em, I got ’em. The whole entire world has ’em. Issues! Yes they are out there and I hope that you understand this writing is operating on a certain level of factiousness.  It’s whether we admit them or not. The real conundrum lies in the “simpleness” of how we’re able to admit it. Can you admit? Can I?

But of course I can. They say that the first step to realizing you’ve got a problem is admitting you have one. Yeah, well I’ve got a problem. Am I gonna spill it to those faithful few who read this blog? Of course not. That would be mostly my family…maybe a few friends if I’m lucky. That would mean that the closest people to me would know my deepest darkest secrets, and what is healthy about that? I ask you. Some things need to be kept in the dark.

Exactly.

Disregarding that obviously sound logic at work, here’s the beginning of my issue: recently I have been a little more than slightly obsessed with drinking red wine (no particular kind although I’m partial to dry wines like Shiraz) eating some sharp cheese (an old cheddar from Kerrygold, imported from Ireland) and crackers (sesame seed crackers are the best in this case). It’s a habit for each night of the week I guess. Something that I treat myself with for making it through a day of rewarding working here in the great Beijing.

My sister, Kara, author of http://www.droppedspaghetti.com.au recently wrote about the issues with her job. And it inspired me to write about a few of mine. My post won’t be as funny and maybe not as poignant…but here goes.

I haven’t always been this way. Work never used to stress me out as much as it does now. Perhaps it’s because now, I’ve moved up a tad higher and I can see all the problems behind the facade of a smile and a flaccid compliment. This is what I know, it’s my experience in the “grown-up” world. Forgive my stereotype, forgive my bitterness and my negative thoughts towards humanity. How can I go against life experience?

Bias

So, I’ve read a lot about psychology and I’ve stumbled upon an article about  biases and how they’re categorized. As you most likely know, a bias is something that skews the reliability of anecdotal or legal evidence (fact or fiction). Further more a social biases (otherwise known as attributional biases) inhibits a person’s ability to interact in social construct.

In other words, each person suffers from a distortion on how we perceive reality. Doesn’t everyone love being able to say they suffer from something. My generation loves being able to say “I’m going through something.” Ain’t it the truth, ain’t it the truth?

Biases affect us no matter how hard we try to guard them from entering our opinions.  A person can pretend, but the show can only go on for so long. And the truth is, nothing beneath still waters is truly as it seems.

Positivity is great, a toothy smile is wonderful but really it’s nothing tangible. It isn’t firm and stable; most people use it as tactic to “stall”. I’ve been fooled countless times by the compliments; they’re only words. Meaning is lost, most people say them to get what they need. Perhaps people are inherently good, perhaps they generally want to do the right thing. But it’s not a standard rule applying to humanity.

Nope. I’ve met enough people in my short span of life, who have proven positive assumptions about humanity to be misleading. Better to assume singularity, you could live longer. Am I bias?

Aristotle wrote: man is a conjugal animal, meaning we like to “couple” (find a mate). He also wrote that we are political, we like the law and he also wrote that we are mimetic (we’ve got imaginations and we learn from and enjoy using them).

Portrait of Aristoteles. Pentelic marble, copy...

Portrait of Aristoteles. Pentelic marble, copy of the Imperial Period (1st or 2nd century) of a lost bronze sculpture made by Lysippos. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

While I agree with the last two of your theories Aristotle, I do not agree with the first. Some people are born to be: alone. Look at me. Observe aspects of my life. I am alone and I and absolutely fabulous. Am I bias?

You tell me.

It’s quite hilarious, actually because as a journalist and a student of pre-law, I’ve been trained to be unbiased. Ya, but what human can be? Guaranteed: none.

We journalists only write the stories that will gain the most readership, the most publicity.  And I have learned in my job at in Beijing, that awareness and communication is “fool’s gold”.  A hope warranted but groundless.  Am I bias?

Again you tell me.

Date Yourself.

19 Nov
Drake Minibus, Kigali

Drake Minibus, Kigali (Photo credit: AdamCohn)

It has become apparent to me, over time that many people don’t think too positively about themselves. duh.

Even Marylin Monroe had negative thoughts. Even Gregory Peck. Justin Timberlake has negative thoughts and so does Drake. So does Barack Obama; so does Stephen Harper. Do not ask me why I picked these names, they simply popped in my head.

We’re insecure. We have low opinions about ourselves. A friend of mine said: “It’s not an attractive quality.” Ok got it. Another friend of mine said that I let people see it. Oops. At least these friends are honest with me.

Didn’t realize there was a stigma on being open. But sadly there is, people judge by what they see and hear from you. Can you catch me while I’m thinking negative thoughts? Nope. But when I voice them; yes you can.

Mental  note: Keep feelings/thoughts to myself.

We continually, measure ourselves to an arbitrary standard. Everyone does it, but it’s whether you notice it or not is the difference.

Your opinion affects me. Everyone’s opinion affects me. But especially those of the people who love me most.

Only because of my insecurities.

My human need and want to please. If I’m not making you happy, than why on earth would I do what I did? Why else would I challenge myself?

For my own gain; to impress myself? No. It’s to impress you, to impress the world. To “stick it” and shout; “Yeah I’ve completed that challenge. What next?” For my own happiness? Perhaps I benefit, but really truly I gain nothing if you aren’t or the world isn’t impressed.

Many people feel the same way.

Some people know, others have heard. Why not make it public? I am an insecure person. BUT who isn’t? The difference here being…I let people see it. Oops. Perhaps I should hide myself a little more from what people see. I used to be really good at that. Maybe I reverted to the opposite extreme.

Where on earth is the middle ground? Did a little bit of research.

There is a significant lack of self-acceptance in our lives. 

We insecure beings have aspects in our lives that will never be good enough. For example, if I think I’m not physically attractive, that will be the hole through which my insecurity flows.

Negativity. It becomes the worst ruler of how you see yourself.  We attempt to hide these faults, but they soon begin to eat away at our perceived confidence.  Soon the person that we’ve built ourselves to be, comes crashing down and we are rubble.

I met a fellow who literally apologized for everything he did. His name was Karl. I could not stand him. Only because I saw qualities in him that reminded me…of who? Myself.

Yeah and he was frustrating. Only because he was quite awesome and didn’t need affirmation. So why should he always apologize?  I mean he was wonderful, why apologize? He was desperate, but he didn’t need to be.

If you’re reading this, you should then infer that I know; I am pretty great. Yup. I am very awesome. And I know it. No doubt about it.

BUT more importantly. So are you. How to make ourselves realize this?

Okay so here is what you and I must do. Let’s work together on this.

Accept ourselves.

Believe and see our weaknesses as aspects that are beneficial to who we are. We are specific, and our weaknesses are what make us human. We are not going forgetting about those things, actually our vulnerability is what makes us beautiful. Are you open about your faults? Good.

Reform it.

Stop it.

Stop thinking those negative thoughts. They’ll not help you. You already know how lovely you are; let’s start from there. Now, put what you see in a positive light.

Make peace with your demons. List everything that has been a deep insecurity, look at each one, work on accepting them and simply come to terms with them. It’ll be hard. But nothing worth doing in life was easy. Am I right or am I right?

We’ll do it together. Arrive at what are our limitations, treat them as attributes and move on. That is all we can do as humans.

Confused? Ok I’ll break it down into one simple sentence:

Get to know yourself first.

Note: I’ll come back and edit this when I’m not sooo tired.

Becoming a Peanut

30 Mar

I just can’t stay away from them! It’s convenient that this blog is partially named after them as I am more than a little addicted to them.

So this morning I woke up, didn’t even change.
Drank my coffee in my huge and wonderful orange mug.

Put on my boots and walked down the five floors.

Met some garbage. Its been there for more than a week at least.

Snapped a photo of my building and then walked super fast to satiate my craving for some spicy peanuts.
And that’s my story. And that is how much I love my peanuts. And it will also be the reason I will turn into one large peanut at some point in my life.

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