Tag Archives: God

the Experiment.

6 Mar

*First before you begin. You must read the entire post to reach the point of what I’m writing. 

Side Note:

When I started blogging a few years ago, I thought to myself; “A random publisher, a random millionaire, would find me…tell me I’ve got talent and then say ‘let’s make you famous’.” And then I’d say, “Of course.”

Just do. Leave it there, if it comes, let it come, but don’t look for it. ~ Swami Satchidanada

So I’ve a good 10 “likes” on one of my earlier posts and well in my mind that’s just as good as being famous. Heck, the world knows me now! Am I right or am I right?

***

Throughout my days at my beloved high-school, I was quite obsessed with perfection (as mentioned in my earlier post titled Rambling). Yes, during that time in my life, I allowed myself no deviance, no obscurities, no mishaps. Perhaps that’s why I’ve never dated. If I wasn’t perfect, I’d berate my intellect with harsh comments as if it were an unclean rag.

My formula for life followed the integral rule:

(a negative)(a negative) = a positive.

How does it work?

Let’s say one week I knew I had a huge test coming up. I’d study for hours, write out my notes, memorize, practice, quiz myself and test my knowledge. Like a good student would.

The test day would come, I’d write my test. Then promptly upon exiting the test room, convince myself beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had failed. How could I have passed? I wasn’t bright, I wasn’t brilliant. Yes I had studied, understood and learned what I was meant to. But in the end did it show?

I’d whirl myself into a tizzy, lure my brain into the belief that indeed, “No, I wasn’t smart, I had in fact, failed.”

My logic was that if I made myself believe the worst upon the worst, then when I got the test back and I had failed, then I’d be ready. But, if I got the test back and I’d “aced” it, then the enormous amount of happiness in my heart would be that much greater.

Another example. A certain fellow wants to get to know me more, we hang out. I convince myself that the only reason this is happening is…(you list the reasons). I make myself believe those things, so that when the roof falls through the ceiling; I’ll be ready.

It works.

All throughout high school, throughout college. Practice makes perfect and so over time I’ve become adept at making myself believe the worst. I’m in top form. And I continue to do it. Throughout life I let myself believe the absolute worst about my situation, so that when the worst happens, I’ll at least be ready.

Until recently.

I read an article about positivity. I don’t remember where. I don’t remember who wrote it. But I have it stuck in my mind and it surfaces when those ever so convincing thoughts surface.

In the article the formula for life followed the integral equation:

(a positive)(a positive) = a positive

Meaning if I send out positivity, positivity will find its way back to me.

***

experiment time.

So I’m experimenting with this new formula. I’m thinking those positive thoughts, sending them out into the world and I’m waiting to see what happens in a situation.

The situation:

Met a guy. We hit it off so to speak. Usually I’d think, “Nothing will happen.” BUT on the positive strain I’m forcing myself to believe “Something will spark!”

We’ll see won’t we?

Stuck for Something

14 Jun

It has been a couple of days/weeks since I’ve written anything and to be honest, even right now I’m not inspired and still am not entirely certain what it is I should be typing. All I know is that I should write…keep my fingers tapping to remind myself that one of my passions is writing.

GAH, but what to write about? I have no clue. Yep there are tons of things in life to get me jotting things down, but are those things happening to me right now currently? Nope. Hence I’m rambling and typing for the sake of typing/writing for the sake of writing. But that can’t be that bad can it?

I guess there has been something on my mind lately. Limbo. Being in limbo, not teetering, not reeling forward or backward. Just being in limbo. Stagnant. If I were to tell my friends here that though, they would firmly disagree with me. After all I have a great job, wonderful roommates, an awesome apartment, a loving family…all that jazz. What more could I want?

Nothing right? Of course, but is that what I want? Nope. I would rather my life be teetering than in limbo, at least then I would be moving. But right now I’ve absolutely not one single clue as to what I will do for the rest of my life. Can I get a holla? haha..

Just kidding. But seriously, I think that the entire human race goes through this at some point in their lives. And here I am now. I mean before this there was school and nothing else in life…it was all planned for me, there was nothing really to concern myself with you know?  Now I’ve got to consider the difference I’ll make in the lives of other people as well as how on earth I’m going to make use of myself.

Oi Vey. (Not sure about the spelling here, but I know that it means an intensified version of “Oh dear”)

So here we go, I’m weighing down those thoughts of grandiose I’d had when I was younger and believed the world was my oyster. I wanted to be an investigative journalist and a foreign correspondent like Laraine Day in the 1940s film;

Laraine Day in Foreign Correspondent

Laraine Day in Foreign Correspondent (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

living in the east or something where my life would be on edge. I’d bring awareness, solve problems, make the world know how they can make a difference one individual at a time.

BUT…all of that was conjecture, fantasy and although I still dream of doing all of those things, I had forgotten that to get to the top one must start at the bottom. Which is logical, just not at all pleasant.

So that is how I find myself at the moment. In Limbo not at all certain where the next step should be. Its not that I’ve fallen into a mentality of merely making in through the day, no I’m still living, I guess I just need a direction.

Hmmm…rather than considering my entire life’s future right now; perhaps I should take one step just to move forward. See where it takes me, discover the little aspects that make each person’s life different and go from there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPK86RakT64

Funny how I started this with not a single clue of what to write and I’ve come out of it with yet another cliche to apply to my life.

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