Tag Archives: guilt

…expectations

25 Aug

I thought that when I had started this trip I would have been inspired to write tons and perceive insight from everything that I have learned so far. But as it is I am too caught up in the moments to stop and write something down.
Silly me, as a writer I should have already learnt to set aside time for the day to look back and reflect or think about something…anything. But alas I have not, my mind and soul are to free to stick to any regiment. Or perhaps I am just forgetful…perhaps that is the actual cause.
But here is what I have discovered about myself do far on this trip. That I need to calm down. Almost everyone I have met has told me that I’m a little uptight and need to let loose. Then I think to myself that of course I’m letting loose. Aren’t I here on this trip, learning and freeing my mind? But then to some people I am the over planner. I know exactly at what time things need to be done and at exactly what time I need to be somewhere.
I know my mother at this point would say, “There is nothing wrong with that.” and of course there isn’t but there is something wrong in not letting yourself go with a flow and see what happens. You never know who you will meet in your travels.

Staying at Jaisiyaram in Vrindavan…

I just finished having dinner at the ashram and it was delicious and silent too for that matter, because we were all busy eating.
The boys (various boys from families too poor to support them), sat in silence also at the other end of the table. Every once in a while I look over and smile at them and they smile back and shyly look down at their plates. They live here and go to school here, their life is here. And they are so excited by the simple things in life that it shakes my senses and almost stirs me to tears.

Yesterday I sat beside Naniji, and with my handy-dandy iPad asked her how she was that day. Well there must have been a mistake because when her grandson came to translate, she said to him “How can I tell her that I am 90+ years old?”
My foolish mistake in accidentally asking her how old she was…of course she was not embarrassed, but I was. But she lovingly patted my back and shook her head as if to say nothing shocked her anymore in this life.

What else have I learned here in this journey?

1. I’ve learned that no matter how hard you try you meet people, amazing people. They’re everywhere and are so ready to meet you and get to know you.
2. I’ve learned that fear and regret are only as big as you let them get, and no matter what the world spins and life goes on. So forget about fear and regret…move on with life and live it.
3. I’ve learned that even in the most chaotic places (like India) there is a rhyme and there is a reason, I’m just too foreign to see it.
4. Stress, when it plagues you…is obviously never a good thing~ duh.
5. Sing and smile while you work, it makes it more enjoyable even in the nastiest jobs. There is a man at the ashram who is always smiling, they call him Baboo (spelling). He serves our meals, and anyways, he is always quite the happy camper.
6. Be down. And by this I don’t mean on the ground…I mean be up for anything. Someone wants to try something new? Don’t say no, say yes and see what adventure you might have. You never know what will happen.

Hmmm that’s all I can think of thus far, but I will keep the list running, keep the thoughts flowing, and all that jazz. But until I do, here’s cheers from me in India 🙂

Jaisiyaram

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A Penny for Your Thoughts…

6 Aug
The Guilt Trip

The Guilt Trip (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

For someone to be a writer of some sorts it’s good for them to at least attempt to write every once in a while. Am I right or am I right?

Lately I’ve been so caught up in the mistakes that I’ve made, on the ones that I’m continually making. I don’t know if others are plagued by an overwhelming sense of guilt. I’m sure there are. Maybe it’s you, the reader. Maybe the other people out there who suffer from guilt won’t admit it as readily as I do. Well the first step in healing is admitting that there is a problem…am I right or am I right?

Maybe there’s shame in admitting that I feel guilty. Maybe there’s shame in admitting that my thoughts are stronger than my will at times and I succumb to…I don’t even know what.

Here I guess is something that helps me get over those guilty thoughts that sometimes keep me from sleeping. I consider my faith, and I think about how there is an overwhelming love that is far greater than my guilty thoughts.

I think about sitting on a swing, much like a carefree little girl and waiting for someone to gently push me. But then I begin to swing back and forth even though I see no one behind me…time passes and I’m baffled as to who could be moving me and how this could be. After a while I give up looking and just enjoy the moments.

And in one particular instant I tilt my head back, i have a huge smile on my lips. And in that one particular instant I catch a glimpse of a hand holding the strings of my swing. I don’t need too much time to realize where the hand has come from. It’s been there all along, I just had given up looking.

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