Tag Archives: Human

Rambling

5 Mar

EmptyShe’s got it (life) in the bag. At the age of 25 she was made a CEO. She was addicted to success. It is a drug to her.

Everyday she wears black stilettos, tight black skirts and a sharp black jacket over a silk bouse. Her hair is brushed to perfection, tight and knotted in a bun at the nape of her neck.  One glance at her and you’d think she’d walked off a tv set and onto the street. She walks at regular pace, head held high and pointed forward. Never does she take a mis-step.

Her desk is immaculate. Black pens and Sharpies. There wasn’t a need for pencils, mistakes are never made.

To hear her walk in the hall is akin to hearing the stern knock on a knobby knuckle against a hard wood door. Precise and calculated. Unrelenting.

To hear her voice is similar to an incessant chime that never seems to die away. Quick.

To see her face is almost like looking a soft, white, chiffon cloth, blowing in a morning breeze.  Blank and empty. She’s without a reflection.

She is recognizable to many, unrelatable and unknowable to everyone. Her heart is void of a beat, like a window that shows its viewer nothing. Empty.

Around town her name is known as Perfection.

***

Every once in a while, you’ll find, if you’re reaching too high in humanity, something will come along, trip you up, and serve you humble pie.

Oh yes, you’ll hike that hill, make it to the top, smiling and then oops! You slip on something or other and you come a tumbling down that hill you’ve just spent climbing. That’s life for you, and a good thing it’s like that too. After all if we spend then entire time atop a hill, we’d forget ourselves, we’d forget our humanity.

Here’s my point: after all that climbing, that pride of reaching the top, we need to have a good fall. We need mistakes to remind us that perfection is a dream. Without mistakes our pride would swell to the size of what-not and we’d never strive to accomplish anything, as we’d already have pride to begin with.

Understand my meaning?

Without mistakes, we would never understand the satisfaction of achievement and the pride that accompanies it. Without mistakes, nothing would ever be improved upon. Without mistakes, we would only be hollow, un-human. We’d never learn lessons, never build upon what we know, never apologize for blunders, never rekindle or gain respect amongst peers.

Take a look at your perception of a perfect world. What room would there be for creation? None. As everything is already “present to perfection”, we’ve mitigated the concept of “need”. Why? Simply because in a perfect world, there is “want” for nothing.

***

So why do I go around and around, repeating the beauty of making a mistake should be welcomed with open arms? Am I that woman, stilettos and silk shirts? Nope. But my heart (much like many a person’s) is pretty close to the one she’s got.

A tad empty.

Am I trying to convince myself that my mistakes are what make me a human? That they’re what make me relatable to people around me?

Of course yes!

How does a person recover from the mistake of an empty heart?

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The Human Issues

3 Jan

How my job in an English school in Beijing has taught me to be apathetic.

You got ’em, I got ’em. The whole entire world has ’em. Issues! Yes they are out there and I hope that you understand this writing is operating on a certain level of factiousness.  It’s whether we admit them or not. The real conundrum lies in the “simpleness” of how we’re able to admit it. Can you admit? Can I?

But of course I can. They say that the first step to realizing you’ve got a problem is admitting you have one. Yeah, well I’ve got a problem. Am I gonna spill it to those faithful few who read this blog? Of course not. That would be mostly my family…maybe a few friends if I’m lucky. That would mean that the closest people to me would know my deepest darkest secrets, and what is healthy about that? I ask you. Some things need to be kept in the dark.

Exactly.

Disregarding that obviously sound logic at work, here’s the beginning of my issue: recently I have been a little more than slightly obsessed with drinking red wine (no particular kind although I’m partial to dry wines like Shiraz) eating some sharp cheese (an old cheddar from Kerrygold, imported from Ireland) and crackers (sesame seed crackers are the best in this case). It’s a habit for each night of the week I guess. Something that I treat myself with for making it through a day of rewarding working here in the great Beijing.

My sister, Kara, author of http://www.droppedspaghetti.com.au recently wrote about the issues with her job. And it inspired me to write about a few of mine. My post won’t be as funny and maybe not as poignant…but here goes.

I haven’t always been this way. Work never used to stress me out as much as it does now. Perhaps it’s because now, I’ve moved up a tad higher and I can see all the problems behind the facade of a smile and a flaccid compliment. This is what I know, it’s my experience in the “grown-up” world. Forgive my stereotype, forgive my bitterness and my negative thoughts towards humanity. How can I go against life experience?

Bias

So, I’ve read a lot about psychology and I’ve stumbled upon an article about  biases and how they’re categorized. As you most likely know, a bias is something that skews the reliability of anecdotal or legal evidence (fact or fiction). Further more a social biases (otherwise known as attributional biases) inhibits a person’s ability to interact in social construct.

In other words, each person suffers from a distortion on how we perceive reality. Doesn’t everyone love being able to say they suffer from something. My generation loves being able to say “I’m going through something.” Ain’t it the truth, ain’t it the truth?

Biases affect us no matter how hard we try to guard them from entering our opinions.  A person can pretend, but the show can only go on for so long. And the truth is, nothing beneath still waters is truly as it seems.

Positivity is great, a toothy smile is wonderful but really it’s nothing tangible. It isn’t firm and stable; most people use it as tactic to “stall”. I’ve been fooled countless times by the compliments; they’re only words. Meaning is lost, most people say them to get what they need. Perhaps people are inherently good, perhaps they generally want to do the right thing. But it’s not a standard rule applying to humanity.

Nope. I’ve met enough people in my short span of life, who have proven positive assumptions about humanity to be misleading. Better to assume singularity, you could live longer. Am I bias?

Aristotle wrote: man is a conjugal animal, meaning we like to “couple” (find a mate). He also wrote that we are political, we like the law and he also wrote that we are mimetic (we’ve got imaginations and we learn from and enjoy using them).

Portrait of Aristoteles. Pentelic marble, copy...

Portrait of Aristoteles. Pentelic marble, copy of the Imperial Period (1st or 2nd century) of a lost bronze sculpture made by Lysippos. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

While I agree with the last two of your theories Aristotle, I do not agree with the first. Some people are born to be: alone. Look at me. Observe aspects of my life. I am alone and I and absolutely fabulous. Am I bias?

You tell me.

It’s quite hilarious, actually because as a journalist and a student of pre-law, I’ve been trained to be unbiased. Ya, but what human can be? Guaranteed: none.

We journalists only write the stories that will gain the most readership, the most publicity.  And I have learned in my job at in Beijing, that awareness and communication is “fool’s gold”.  A hope warranted but groundless.  Am I bias?

Again you tell me.

Date Yourself.

19 Nov
Drake Minibus, Kigali

Drake Minibus, Kigali (Photo credit: AdamCohn)

It has become apparent to me, over time that many people don’t think too positively about themselves. duh.

Even Marylin Monroe had negative thoughts. Even Gregory Peck. Justin Timberlake has negative thoughts and so does Drake. So does Barack Obama; so does Stephen Harper. Do not ask me why I picked these names, they simply popped in my head.

We’re insecure. We have low opinions about ourselves. A friend of mine said: “It’s not an attractive quality.” Ok got it. Another friend of mine said that I let people see it. Oops. At least these friends are honest with me.

Didn’t realize there was a stigma on being open. But sadly there is, people judge by what they see and hear from you. Can you catch me while I’m thinking negative thoughts? Nope. But when I voice them; yes you can.

Mental  note: Keep feelings/thoughts to myself.

We continually, measure ourselves to an arbitrary standard. Everyone does it, but it’s whether you notice it or not is the difference.

Your opinion affects me. Everyone’s opinion affects me. But especially those of the people who love me most.

Only because of my insecurities.

My human need and want to please. If I’m not making you happy, than why on earth would I do what I did? Why else would I challenge myself?

For my own gain; to impress myself? No. It’s to impress you, to impress the world. To “stick it” and shout; “Yeah I’ve completed that challenge. What next?” For my own happiness? Perhaps I benefit, but really truly I gain nothing if you aren’t or the world isn’t impressed.

Many people feel the same way.

Some people know, others have heard. Why not make it public? I am an insecure person. BUT who isn’t? The difference here being…I let people see it. Oops. Perhaps I should hide myself a little more from what people see. I used to be really good at that. Maybe I reverted to the opposite extreme.

Where on earth is the middle ground? Did a little bit of research.

There is a significant lack of self-acceptance in our lives. 

We insecure beings have aspects in our lives that will never be good enough. For example, if I think I’m not physically attractive, that will be the hole through which my insecurity flows.

Negativity. It becomes the worst ruler of how you see yourself.  We attempt to hide these faults, but they soon begin to eat away at our perceived confidence.  Soon the person that we’ve built ourselves to be, comes crashing down and we are rubble.

I met a fellow who literally apologized for everything he did. His name was Karl. I could not stand him. Only because I saw qualities in him that reminded me…of who? Myself.

Yeah and he was frustrating. Only because he was quite awesome and didn’t need affirmation. So why should he always apologize?  I mean he was wonderful, why apologize? He was desperate, but he didn’t need to be.

If you’re reading this, you should then infer that I know; I am pretty great. Yup. I am very awesome. And I know it. No doubt about it.

BUT more importantly. So are you. How to make ourselves realize this?

Okay so here is what you and I must do. Let’s work together on this.

Accept ourselves.

Believe and see our weaknesses as aspects that are beneficial to who we are. We are specific, and our weaknesses are what make us human. We are not going forgetting about those things, actually our vulnerability is what makes us beautiful. Are you open about your faults? Good.

Reform it.

Stop it.

Stop thinking those negative thoughts. They’ll not help you. You already know how lovely you are; let’s start from there. Now, put what you see in a positive light.

Make peace with your demons. List everything that has been a deep insecurity, look at each one, work on accepting them and simply come to terms with them. It’ll be hard. But nothing worth doing in life was easy. Am I right or am I right?

We’ll do it together. Arrive at what are our limitations, treat them as attributes and move on. That is all we can do as humans.

Confused? Ok I’ll break it down into one simple sentence:

Get to know yourself first.

Note: I’ll come back and edit this when I’m not sooo tired.

As it Happens

26 Sep
2nd third of 17th century

Perhaps I envision myself like this lovely lady…btw, what is her name?

Got to thinking the other day about why I feel the need to write my thoughts and feelings down online for whoever would wish to read my words. There was silence in my brain. Not just any silence really. A deafening silence.

I mean everyone. Or almost everyone writes a blog or aspires to write a novel of some sort. So what on earth separates one from another? Content. Style. Media. If you don’t reach the right combination then what are you doing? Throwing random words up there for no one to read.

And it isn’t as if one person has something to write while another doesn’t. Simply because everybody hurts. Everybody harbours pain in their lives. Everyone is beautiful in their “broken”ness and everyone is writing about it in their blogs, online, for the world to see if the world wishes to.  And what happens when we (everybody) throw up our words? Nothing, we wait, and nothing happens. And maybe someone is “discovered” labeled a “talent” and their lives move on from simply blogging.

And we, everybody else, we continue to blog. Which is great! Go us! I say let’s continue it. Why not? It really isn’t a waste of time. In fact its a constructive use of time. Well at least I believe it is. So keep it up, you intrepid blogger you. Kudos, high-five!

Just because everybody feels pain, it doesn’t lessen yours. You still have the right to feel. So write. Write young grasshopper, write.

Why is it that I feel the need to write things down, post some photos, and maybe a few videos here and there?

  • Is it for the fame? Am I secretly hoping that some big shot will read it. Think ,”Hey, this Tricia girl, she’s great…blah blah blah.” Haha. Yes, of course I think perhaps that could happen. Oh man I can only hope for that to happen, it is a dream. Something that would only ever happen in the movies. But as it happens there isn’t any fame associated with blogging. None. But I’m still going to write.
  • Is it for the practice? Yeah, I guess so. What writer, blogger, or whatever wouldn’t relish the chance to hone their skills? But as it happens, you will not find to best literary prose. Not every blog, but in general.
  • Is it for the readership? Oh man, to develop a following of readers who think that my writing is the be all and end all. Or not even that, for them to think that my words are something of an insight into something that helps them see just a small glimpse into how I see and understand life. But as it happens every human being is a philosopher and psychologist by their own standards.
  • Is it an outlet? But of course it is! I sometimes find that when I’m very angry, happy, depressed, ecstatic or frustrated, I write the best posts. I use it as a venting machine. Other times its simply a way of updating people who care to read.
  • …I really don’t know. Just something to do? Yep, and you know I am going to continue this “theme-less” blog of mine  until my fingers fall off my hands. And even then I’ll find a way.

What is oh so special about MY blog?

  • Nothing is particular actually. My mother and father would beg to differ. But then they’re my mother and father…they have to beg to differ.
  • I’m honest. But then aren’t we all? At least I would desperately like to think humanity is honest. But as it happens, most people seek the chance to rip another person off.
  • I’m quirky. And I come by it honestly. Other people try attempt “quirky”ness. I was born…quirky.
  • I’m decisive.
  • I’m random.

But then maybe you’re reading this and thinking…I’m all of the above and more! Well good for you. Great! Take that and soar with it. I hope you go far! But as it happens, I’ve come to find that some simply look at my blog and like it in the hopes that they would increase their readership. And of course I’ll “like” yours if you “like” mine. Isn’t that how it works? Of course. Yeah it may seem pointless, maybe it is, but who cares! Write, blog, share and let it all out. Throw your words up there.

Are you sensing that I’m sending mixed messages?

It’s only because I’m trying to convince myself too.

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