Tag Archives: love

Round and Round

1 Sep
English: Jal Mahal in Jaipur Rajastan. This pa...

English: Jal Mahal in Jaipur Rajastan. This panoramic photo was taken on a rainy evening 1 September 2007 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Took the local bus,
To Jaipur.
It’s not so bad, I think of it as character building.
Everyone needs character building.

It’s a myriad of sound.
Every one of my senses are on fire.
To my right horns are blaring,
To my left construction is roaring.

Behind me a man plays his own music on his mobile.
Laying next to me is a woman so skinny…
Her husband is trying to sleep.
Tapping at the window.

“Hello, no money, japati.”
A little boy gestures to his stomach.
I hand the left over biscuits to my friend and we pass them
through the window.

The boy gives them to a woman.
She breaks a piece of cookie off for her baby…
Shares some with another woman.
What a meal…cookies.

My ears are ringing.
My eyes aren’t sure where to look.
My nose itches and twitches.
My skin sweats and sticks.

Like I said my senses are flaring.
In a public bus you become a rag doll,
Tossed and thrown about.

But it’s character building…
And everyone needs character building.
At some point in life.
The air tastes like something.

Not sure what yet.

A First for Everything: dAtInG

27 Apr

Sometimes I get tired thinking about Beijing. So I’ve decided to do a little series on my dating life; or lack there of. I’ve decided this stuff is funny, albeit personal and a tad bit superficial, but it is good stuff to share.

A first date is rather intimidating especially if you’ve never been on a date in your life. This was indeed the case for me. I’ve since decided that I don’t particularly like dates all together. There is far too much pressure and expectation. Whats worse is that people tell you to relax!

This is not me, that is not him. But the photo is an excellent depiction of the pain the two of us suffered through.

Like that would actually happen.

Let me tell you a little embarrassing story. There was this fellow in my third-year of college, he still lives in fact. I thought he was awesome, handsome, funny, talented and smart. He still is awesome and all those other things, he’s just not the guy for me you know?

I gave him a call after the encouragement of my older sister. When he answered, I stammered just a little, okay I stammered quite a lot. But finally I quacked out: “Would you like to hang out?”
“Sure!” he said.
“Oh great!” I shouted a little too loudly.

But even though he had said “yes” and I had asked…how on earth would we actually get together. He didn’t make any suggestions. That should have been a sign to me that this was a bad idea.
Scratch that; I had to ask=sign number one.
I suggested we each drive to the theater and meet up there. His reply: his sister needed the car and his mom and dad were going out. That should have been a sign.
He suggested that I drive out about an hour to his place and pick him up. What was I? His big sister? That should have been a sign.
How badly did I want to hang out with this fellow? Enough, apparently, to make a huge fool of myself. Because…
Then my mother (dear soul) suggested that she and my father go “carpet shopping” to drive me down there and pick him up at the same time. This way was better? At the time I thought so, because I agreed! This should have been a sign, sign number four: my parents were driving us.

Our conversation: silence. I’m glad we were in a mall, other wise the quiet would be unbearable. I believe even at one point we started talking about the weather! We watched the movie, about Robin Hood (which was great, but there was more chemistry on-screen then between the two of us) and then walked around in the bookshop near the theater. I remember thinking that this needed to end. Please end!
We were walking down an isle of books about humor (ironically because there was none at that moment) when he answered his phone. Let us pause and shake our heads, I just don’t think that’s polite in any situation. But wait it gets slightly better.
He agreed to hang out later on that day and after he hung up asked when I thought we would be done.
I don’t blame him either, this was a disaster.

It was a huge ordeal and I’ll be honest I felt sorry for him, because then we went to Wendy’s, the four of us. A double date with my parents to Wendy’s. Yes Wendy’s. Don’t worry I ate my meal super fast, because if we all finished quickly, the faster we could leave and this could end. But my parents ate at a normal pace.
I tried sending messages to my dad across the table through mental telepathy: “Let’s jet, hurry up!”
He took my intense looks to mean I was enjoying my meal profusely. “Eat up!” he said.

Oh man.
The poor fellow! What on earth was I thinking? That torture would be the best route to an enjoyable date? Was this even a date? I began to think: Nope.
As we dropped him off in his drive-way I waved a cute good-bye, while he lifted a flat hand and gave me a curt nod of the head.
“Well that was nice,” my mom sighed, “Remember our first date dear?”
I remember closing my eyes and hoping that maybe, just maybe it was all in my head. But in my heart I knew it wasn’t. The saddest thing is that even after all that, I still liked him despite my embarrassment.

Its one of those situations in life that you just have to laugh about after wards out of pure embarrassment.I know that first dates aren’t supposed to be easy, but they’re not supposed to be this horrible either. I think I still turn red thinking about it, whatever it was. If he ever reads this I hope he knows that I felt his pain the entire time.

Check out this website to make sure that he is definitely into you before making the same mistakes as I did:

21 Signs That He Likes You: Smitten: Sex, Love & Life: glamour.com.

Experience is a Teacher

25 Apr

This post really has nothing to do with living in Beijing aside from this fact: You take yourself wherever you go. Read into that what you will.

Let me be extremely and brutally honest with you. Sometimes I pretend to know everything there is to know about life. Wipe that look of shock off your face. You do it too.

Okay, you’re reading this to discover hidden truths? To laugh? To learn? Because I’ll be honest, I’ve no idea what to write, so forgive me if this post is a jumble of sentences strung together lacking flow. I guess my excuse would be that they’re representing my head and what’s going on inside it. Besides nobody thinks in perfect essay format anyways. Am I right or am I right?

Of course I’m right.

I’m going to focus on love, because sometimes people pay more attention and read the entire post if it’s about something deeply personal and reveals a truth about any phenomenon. There are only few people who understand the ones that baffle humanity. Most only pretend to know. I’m in the later half. I pretend to understand where it’s at. Oh I know about them in theory, but in experience? Nope, I’ve got zip. But then so have a lot of people I’m just a person whose willing to admit to you (or whoever reads this) that I am one of those very people.

Breaking it Down

There are four types of love in living.

Storge – affection
Philia – friendship
Agape – Unconditional

I feel storge for my family and I feel philia for my friends. I feel eros for: nobody. I feel agape for my family again. What can I say I love my family in two kinds of love.

The top two and fourth, I think I’ve great experience with: family and friends. In the third category however there is a significant lack. Consider this an expose of a non-existent eros-life that belongs to me.

Romance in my life has been something of an enigma. I know what it means but have yet to know it really well. Am I special because I’m admitting this about myself? Nope. Doubt it, there are so many girls like me, who are having the same experience, they’re just a little shy when it comes to sharing it.

When it comes to romance, sometimes girls (maybe only me) picture this happening as it happens in a movie. Boy meets girl. Girl dislikes boy. Boy does something to show his brawn. Girl likes boy. Boy leaves. Girl chases after boy.


They’re together after an hour and a half. If only life were so simple huh girls? Not so simple. But when I talk with my girlfriends who’ve discovered romance in their lives. Their main advice is to go for it, take a risk.
Awesome, sound (meaning perfect in this instance) advice. I agree wholeheartedly, but I’m also a huge coward when it comes to giving my heart a chance like this. I take risks! I take them all the time! But only when I know that my heart won’t hurt when I take them. The hurt one feels after taking a risk in love is an all-new extreme version of torture and pain.
What it comes down to is this: I’m a big talker/writer and one who encourages others to take risks in love, but do I? Don’t answer that one, its rhetorical. And you are too (big talker). We all are, I mean who knows what on earth we’re doing anyways? Aren’t each of us “waiting” in a way for another path in our lives to magically open and we’ll find the answers to questions that we’ve asked since the dawn of our existence?
This is what you call taking a snowflake and making a huge snowball out of it!
But seriously though. There are no rules, especially when it comes to love; nobody knows the answers. I’m here to admit that I’m the last one to know. Experience is indeed a teacher, but I’m in not-so-blissful ignorance.

But why am I writing this? Many reasons:
1. Slightly annoyed that there is a significant lack of eros in my life. (True)
2. Commiserating with others. (True)
3. Laughing at the joke of eros in my life. (True)
4. Love stories are fun to write about and laugh at. (True/False)

Tune in next time when I divulge the lessons I learned from my first date.

Pathetic (Fe)Male Characters

7 Apr

I recently read an article through the FB about none other than what the title of this post suggests: pathetic female movie characters:

The Guardian on Facebook.

After reading I had myself a little thinking time and decided that while I agree with Lindy West for the most part I partially disagree with her. Yes women can do things now in the world of 2012, but does that necessarily mean they should? Just because you are graced with power does it follow that you should use that power? Albeit if a sex-charged wolf is terrorizing you…apply gung fu (I live in Beijing, this is how we fight). BUT I can’t help but think that although women are now for the most part recognized in the world, we’ve taken away responsibility from men!

They’ve become slightly lazy in my opinion or angry. A man’s challenge to work hard and succeed has subsided to make way for women. Am I saying we should ease back?
NO! Not in the slightest, if anything women should expect more, the bar has been raised for the likes of the “male”. It is not the stone-ages anymore, men do not go off to battle, they do not have to protect the fold. BUT they have to rise even higher, beyond protecting what they know and love. If anything because women can do things now, men should take more responsibility, accept more arduous tasks and expect much higher of themselves. It is not that the sexes are in competition (or are they?).

If a man wants to be the “knight in shining armor” then they MUST do more than slay the dragon and save the damsel. A woman can do that in this day and age.

If I can be a superwoman, why in the world would I need Superman? Are you picking up what I’m laying down? I have high expectations (which might not be a good thing) for men to rise higher then I can for me me say “WOW!”. I want you to men! Yes it’s a lot of pressure on your shoulders, but I have faith in you!

Women, I think we’ve become too blood-thirsty. We’re ravenous for success (I include myself in this). We don’t stop to look around and realize that there is more to life than rising to the top of the food chain. Have a rest as the Chinese say “xin xi” and let the men impress you. While they have lost some responsibility we can always give a little back and ease our high expectations. Just because you kick back and take it easy, it does not mean you’re giving up. No, I would say that it makes you a stronger person to realize that you are human and you need rest. So TAKE SOME!

This is funny, because after reading all of what I’ve written above I’ve realized one very important point. I am most definitely describing myself here, lecturing myself and admitting my own expectations.

You see this is why I love writing, you find out things about yourself as a writer that you wouldn’t have known had you never sat down to write!

I got all this from a simple article about pathetic female Hollywood characters. I wonder what would happen if I read something very deep and wrote a post afterwards. I bet I’d get existential…

A Snippet

1 Nov

Under an overpass I see many things.
If I look out across I see a man peddling slowly on a bicycle that is heavy laden with compact cardboard.
The air is so think that around the street lights it seems there is a thick haze.
If I look to my right I see a woman, sitting by a pillar. Her head is bowed, her hands shoved in between her crossed legs to keep warm. She is missing a shoe and her other one is barely on her foot.
She isn’t moving. I walk over to her…but no matter the sound she stays still.
I walk through the overpass and am left wondering about the lady. But I see a girl riding her bike, tears are streaming from her eyes and dripping from her chin.
“What happened on this night that so many are hurting?” I wonder.
I continue walking and soon see a begger man, he is missing a leg, standing with his cruches holding a tin can and shaking it every once in a while to remind passerbys of his exsistance.
I drop two or three kuai in his can and he nods his thanks.

I continue walking.

Soon I see a mother holding her sleeping child, sitting at the base of some stairs. The child is young, and completely covered to block out the cold.

What have I seen?

I have seen lonliness, sadness, poverty and love all in the span of five minutes. A snippet of time. I might have missed all of this if I had walked home staring at my feet.

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