Tag Archives: Memories

~Well Well Chanel

24 Sep
A few months ago I wrote a post in complete and utter anger to Coco Chanel in regards to something she always used to say; “Don’t spend time beating on a wall, hoping it will transform into a door.”
No, I’m not taking my words back at all. In fact, f**k you Coco Chanel for your blunt stupid words that take hope away. I’m bringing up that post simply because we were beating on that wall, so hard and at times that we’d crumple in tears and in vain we’d sob. I wished, I prayed with every fibre of my being and soul that this wouldn’t be the outcome. We all wanted to take my mother’s place, the world would be better if she stayed and we went. I’m bringing up that earlier post because I want to reflect. Reflection is good. 

The entire time we were moving on a crumbling dance floor, it was coming out from under us and yet the only thing we could do was continue forward. What choice did we have?  We can’t just jump off this crazy train and say “Alright, I’m done, tired of this, I need something new and exciting.” No. The choice was made for us, and it’s too bad you know? Cause we’re all such control freaks; for something like this to happen beyond the reach of our grasping fingertips; it’s unimaginable. What on earth? How can this be? How will our world continue to spin without such love and beauty, devotion and care?

Well it must spin on, I guess. I am beyond thankful for my family and we’ll move forward together…

A few months ago, when my family discovered what Mom was suffering from we, none of us, understood the gravity and the result of the circumstance. But here we are now, and it’s been a week and day since my family has said goodbye to mom. It’s surreal. I can’t even think to describe the ache and the weight of hurt our hearts feel. Only those who have also lost someone so dear and precious will comprehend…hardship is not relative, hardship is hard.

A few months ago, I had believed with all my aching heart that Mom would recover, because loosing her would mean living without her. Of course I’d thought Mom would go to the hospital, have the extra bout with chemo, come back and she’d be ok, not fine, not great, but ok, she’d be alive. I’d even signed up to do a FearlessChallenge thinking if I threw myself into this… ugh. My heart and my head were floating on a cloud of illusion and they’ve come down now. Because now Mom is gone and yet, not really gone.

BUT, and here it is Coco Chanel; I’m not angry. Of course I’m hurting. Of course I’m broken. Of course I miss her terribly, and I hate that I can’t hug her or tell her I love her. BUT I am not angry. You know the clichés are true? I feel my mom everywhere. No I’m not crazy. I feel her, and I talk to her always. It’s a constant conversation. Here’s the thing, even when I was living in Beijing, I would talk to mom, when I got on a plane I’d say; “Well Mama, here we go again…”I wish I’d told her that. Now I know that she won’t see the photos I take or hear about my adventures I have. But I’m not angry Coco Chanel.

There is beauty if you choose to find it. On September 20th, the day of Mom’s funeral, the sun was shining and it was my nephew’s birthday. He turned seven. And when we came home from saying goodbye, there was a rainbow waiting for us. There was pain and there was life and throughout the entire day I felt Mom just smiling away.

smiling mom

We were hammering on that wall and I truly do believe it turned into a door. I truly do Coco Chanel. It’s not the door I had wanted it to be, but it’s a door none-the-less.

That being said, we will forever and always love and miss you mom. That won’t change.

Us happy people gotta stick together.

Giving won’t bring my mother back it will let someone else keep theirs. Please check out blood.ca to find a clinic and give.

Oh hello hi! Have a Happiness Experience you'd like to share? Well share it here by sending me an email (triciamariadm@gmail.com). AND after you've done that the paradigm of logic states you should like FindingFelicity on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/findingfelicityproject) Pretty please help me spread a smile, and some awareness. Muchos Gracias! Merci Beaucoup! 谢谢! 
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How Comical

11 Jul
Line10 - Zhichunlu Station

Line10 – Zhichunlu Station (Photo credit: Alun K. Wu)

As it would happen, again I found myself caught in the rain. Funny the way things occur huh?

I went to meet some friends of mine, Leah and Gabby. We decided it would be a splendid idea to eat outside, as the weather was slightly sunny and a little windy, so it was gorgeous. We were sat at an outside restaurant in Zhichunlu, just eating our rice, cabbage and mu’er with some egg.

Then the winds came and what would know, there weren’t any seats inside of the restaurant.  How fortunate for us. Well they gave us an umbrella and just then a great down-pour rained down heaven and earth on us. And it seemed as if it would not stop. So there we were, sat with an umbrella pulled down close to the table, huddled and lifting our feet off the ground to keep from getting wet.

There were a few holes in our make-shift roof and so every so often we were blessed with a pleasant spray in the face. What made this experience all the more interesting was that we were the show for all those who were safe and dry inside the restaurant. “Haha,” they say to each other, “Those foreigners, they don’t know any better, what do they think they’re doing?”

Finally the rain subsided, and we emerged, slightly damp, a little worse for wear, but for the most part dry. Leah and I stood on a little concrete wall and waved proudly to our audience. Each of whom, chuckled and shook their heads. Then we dashed off like the free spirits that we are.

And of course it began to rain again.

Barefoot in Beijing: 没有鞋子在北京北京

10 Jul
An SVG map of China with Beijing municipality ...

An SVG map of China with Beijing municipality highlighted Legend: Image:China map legend.png (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

English: Montage of various Beijing images

English: Montage of various Beijing images (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Not only that but caught in the rain; walking in what you think is the correct direction…only to find that indeed its the wrong direction. Whoopsidaisy.

Although you have to admit that walking in the rain gives you a sense of reality. You’re suddenly brought to grips with life and taken out of the fantasy to realize: life its happening now. Its time to stop waiting for it to “start” and realize what you’ve got is your life, you’re living it now! I’m not trying to be prophetic, just stating what I consider to be truth.

Okay so, I went for dinner with some friends, and went home early. Tried to go home early. Caught the subway, and got off to transfer only to realize that the next line I needed to use was under construction and therefore closed. Lucky me.

“No problem,” I thought, “I’ll take a taxi home, only 10 kuai.”

I walked outside, ambitious and independent. I felt a drip on my arm and instantly roll my eyes, because that means…a huge downpour is about to ensue. Great. Sure enough, down comes the rain. And what’s more, there wasn’t a taxi to be found. So I start walking, I was determined now you see.

It turned out that my determination was all for naught. I was walking in the wrong direction. Go me! Yes, so I turn back around and by this time my feet are a little bit bloody, as I’m wearing some new shoes and wanted to break them in. A thought entered my head that I could just take off my shoes and walk without them. But then that would mean I would be walking barefoot in Beijing, and who knows what I’d walk in…who cares? My feet were incredibly sore. So sore.

Off came the shoes and I walked for a good two kilometers home, in the rain, in Beijing. And this is not the only time that its happened sure enough the next night I was walking home from a movie (which was entirely in Chinese, and I am pleased to say that I understood much of it), when what do you know? Yep, the rain. That dear old rain came down like there would never be another day in the span of time.

I’m not a complete loss, so I pull out my umbrella and continue to walk. Thanks to the umbrella, my head remains dry and so do my shoulders. But my legs and feet are soaking wet, soaking wet.

The second time around that I was walking home, in the rain. I’m so blessed. But then as I said walking in the rain gives you a chance to think about reality. Rain has a way of dampening the heat, wakening the senses and let you really see whats what, and what isn’t. Sometimes I’m struck by reality as it were, quite struck.

Simple things like realizing, I’m actually living in Beijing. Or I’m 23 years old. Or that I have three sisters. Yes, they’re all simple things, but they’re things that I forget quite often these little truths about my life, and about the lives about others.

On those two walks home I remembered the reality that people really at the beginning of their lives each day. They decide what they will do each morning, each day you can be a different person, learn from who you were the day before and better yourself for the day before you.

hmmm…so much to think about.

Reaching Back

18 Oct

Do you remember those questions that you and your friends would ask each other when you had nothing to do? I mean the questions like : Your house is burning down and you have enough time to run in and grab one thing, what do you grab?
Or…
If you had to choose between bungee-jumping or sky-diving what would it be?
Those questions are the ones that you can’t stand to answer because they force you to choose, to look inside yourself and think about what you really truly desire in your heart. Sometimes what we find in our heart isn’t what we want to see, so these questions fill us with a certain kind of dread in a way. Nobody likes to admit that if their house were to burn down they might run in to save their shoes or their computer rather than a less superficial artifact like their photo album. Am I right?
I could be wrong, but for the most part its true.

A question I have been pondering deals with the past. What do I regret doing or not doing? If I could go back to one specific moment in my past what would it be?
Now I’ve got you thinking haven’t I? About something wonderful you experienced, or about something you would much rather forget. What is it about our pasts that makes them so hard to embrace and simply let go of? So many people I know hold on, grasping at straws for something, but in the end they are the ones lost and without a reason as to why they got to where they are in the first place.

I digress.

Where would I go, if I could travel in my time machine, in my past?
If I were to reach back into my past…I would have to say: Guelph, 1999 or 1998, Chirstmas, my father’s parents’ home. My oma (grandmother) would have made this soup she always makes, with a few meat-balls…I always remember the soup. I don’t remember anything else. We would eat walnuts and use her nut-cracker that was silver and had a flower design on it. My opa would be sitting with my father at the head of the table. My mom is in the kitchen, helping my oma with something. Somehow in their living room we would all fit.
My two older sisters, Thea and Basja, would be sitting on the semi-broken couch, talking about something. Dang, I really do miss that couch, with its red and green patches and cloth arm-rests.
Kara, my younger sister, and I would be occupied with something, I don’t know what…but we were always inventing new ways of entertainment.

I would be 9 or 10 years old and nothing would have bothered me. Life would be simple, and I would have been oblivious to whatever problems that were going on at the time. I would have been blissfully ignorant, unaware.

There I have admitted what some dread to admit. What was in my heart. To be blissful ignorant.
When I started writing this post, I didn’t intend for it to contain this confession, but here it is. Its true too. But all of that being said, would I give back all of my experiences for that state of mind?
Definitely not. There are simply moments when I wish I didn’t know things, or I wish I didn’t hurt as much because of what happens in the natural course of life. That’s all.
Phew!

Okay, I showed you mine, now you show me yours; If you were to travel back into a time of your past, when and where would that be?

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