Tag Archives: Relationships

~Well Well Chanel

24 Sep
A few months ago I wrote a post in complete and utter anger to Coco Chanel in regards to something she always used to say; “Don’t spend time beating on a wall, hoping it will transform into a door.”
No, I’m not taking my words back at all. In fact, f**k you Coco Chanel for your blunt stupid words that take hope away. I’m bringing up that post simply because we were beating on that wall, so hard and at times that we’d crumple in tears and in vain we’d sob. I wished, I prayed with every fibre of my being and soul that this wouldn’t be the outcome. We all wanted to take my mother’s place, the world would be better if she stayed and we went. I’m bringing up that earlier post because I want to reflect. Reflection is good. 

The entire time we were moving on a crumbling dance floor, it was coming out from under us and yet the only thing we could do was continue forward. What choice did we have?  We can’t just jump off this crazy train and say “Alright, I’m done, tired of this, I need something new and exciting.” No. The choice was made for us, and it’s too bad you know? Cause we’re all such control freaks; for something like this to happen beyond the reach of our grasping fingertips; it’s unimaginable. What on earth? How can this be? How will our world continue to spin without such love and beauty, devotion and care?

Well it must spin on, I guess. I am beyond thankful for my family and we’ll move forward together…

A few months ago, when my family discovered what Mom was suffering from we, none of us, understood the gravity and the result of the circumstance. But here we are now, and it’s been a week and day since my family has said goodbye to mom. It’s surreal. I can’t even think to describe the ache and the weight of hurt our hearts feel. Only those who have also lost someone so dear and precious will comprehend…hardship is not relative, hardship is hard.

A few months ago, I had believed with all my aching heart that Mom would recover, because loosing her would mean living without her. Of course I’d thought Mom would go to the hospital, have the extra bout with chemo, come back and she’d be ok, not fine, not great, but ok, she’d be alive. I’d even signed up to do a FearlessChallenge thinking if I threw myself into this… ugh. My heart and my head were floating on a cloud of illusion and they’ve come down now. Because now Mom is gone and yet, not really gone.

BUT, and here it is Coco Chanel; I’m not angry. Of course I’m hurting. Of course I’m broken. Of course I miss her terribly, and I hate that I can’t hug her or tell her I love her. BUT I am not angry. You know the clichés are true? I feel my mom everywhere. No I’m not crazy. I feel her, and I talk to her always. It’s a constant conversation. Here’s the thing, even when I was living in Beijing, I would talk to mom, when I got on a plane I’d say; “Well Mama, here we go again…”I wish I’d told her that. Now I know that she won’t see the photos I take or hear about my adventures I have. But I’m not angry Coco Chanel.

There is beauty if you choose to find it. On September 20th, the day of Mom’s funeral, the sun was shining and it was my nephew’s birthday. He turned seven. And when we came home from saying goodbye, there was a rainbow waiting for us. There was pain and there was life and throughout the entire day I felt Mom just smiling away.

smiling mom

We were hammering on that wall and I truly do believe it turned into a door. I truly do Coco Chanel. It’s not the door I had wanted it to be, but it’s a door none-the-less.

That being said, we will forever and always love and miss you mom. That won’t change.

Us happy people gotta stick together.

Giving won’t bring my mother back it will let someone else keep theirs. Please check out blood.ca to find a clinic and give.

Oh hello hi! Have a Happiness Experience you'd like to share? Well share it here by sending me an email (triciamariadm@gmail.com). AND after you've done that the paradigm of logic states you should like FindingFelicity on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/findingfelicityproject) Pretty please help me spread a smile, and some awareness. Muchos Gracias! Merci Beaucoup! 谢谢! 
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Four You (A Mix Tape)

28 Sep

In India on the back of every truck you’ll find these words “Blow Horn!” And you know what, everybody blows their horn like it was going out of style.

You know I am a little bit of a coward. I mean it. Here’s what I mean, instead of coming out and voicing my feelings or thoughts…I write them up here. Oh, don’t know worry, I talk a lot. I get thoughts out there, ones that matter too. But the ones that could be rejected or viewed as unwelcome.

I put those up here. Kind of like an announcement board. And then I cross my fingers, my toes, my eyes, legs…and pray that the person who it’s meant for will read it and feel inspired, or know that I care. Perhaps it’s that I feel I’m the only one on in each specific relationship who senses the overbearing need to Say Anything (that’s a movie isn’t it?). You ever feel that way? Of course you do, if you’re writing a blog well that’s clue number one. Don’t worry, there’s no need for shame, at least you’re saying something. If you’ve read  earlier posts you’ll know that I’m not a fan of bottling things up. Dumb.

I’ma “Blow my Horn” ~these are for four different unrelated people I’ve met in life.

1. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you “You’re beautiful, you’ve overwhelming because you’re so wonderful and you shine so bright!” I don’t care either, I’ll be here to tell you. Let me tell you. Listen to me tell you.  If it weren’t the truth; I wouldn’t say it. Do I have to go so far as to name names? I don’t think so. You know who you are. Just start believing it, because it’s the truth. Man, I wish you would just believe it.

 

2. I don’t know if you’re reading these posts of mine. Maybe I’m too much of a romantic. Maybe I stifled what could have been a beautiful friendship and something more. Maybe I’m the only one who felt that way. You want the truth?  Ah yes, well, its only because I thought I was the only one who felt that way. I wish I had let myself love you. So I wrote you off. And for that I’m sorry. Haha, you might not even know it’s you I’m talking about. But I think it’s too late to change any of that…isn’t it? Do you know who you are?

 

3. Are you reading this? I gave you the opportunity to take the honorable option. And you took the wrong one. How could you take advantage of me like that? Wasn’t I kind and generous to you? Wasn’t I your friend? I don’t understand. I trusted you too much and you ripped away just a bit more of my trust from humanity. I never should have trusted you. You should know who you are. Step up and take responsibility for your actions. You broke my proverbial heart

 

4. I know you’re not reading this. You. There is no way. You’re illiterate. For you there aren’t any words, only names. Bad names. And I refuse to write them up here. You know who you are, but you’ll never hear anything from me.

 

Would you pick different songs? Of course you would, there are so many out there, but then this post would only be music videos. Aren’t they simply fun though? The images make you think and the words make you ponder. Of course life is not like a music video, but who ever put a ban on living like you’re in one? No one.

I’m not trying to escape reality, simply just trying to find another way to embrace it. And there. You have it now. I’m a closet coward. And if these four people were to walk into the room right this moment, would I say anything?

Hmmmm…

Going Through Something…

24 Sep
Travel problem

WordPress says that to increase “readership” I should include visuals…I didn’t know what would suit what I’ve written here. So I think this is appropriate.

So remember how I went to India? Well while I was there, I met a guru. He grew up in Canada and helped people for free. Despite his arrogant demeanour and sour smile, what he said was ever so honest. Of course he told me that I need to love myself more, and let my heart love more easily. “Go for it” he said. Ah yes of course. Go for it. Here’s my first attempt at simple plain honesty. And if you read this and feel moved…then don’t just nod your head…make a change. Do something.

Imma go for it:

There is no room in my life for an ego your size. It’s really all about silly pride isn’t it? Dumb, heavy, overbearing and useless. I’m fed up with it and you know the funny thing is…I desperately want to get to know who you are. But you’ve built up these proverbial walls so high, and even when I jump to peek over the top; I’m barely scratching the surface.  Am I making sense?

No? Let me break it down for you. This is what I’ve learned in my short span of what I can scarcely call a life. I’ve learned that hidding your sh**t does nothing for you. It only barricades you from the rest of the world. You (general) think that because you’re hiding it all, it makes you a deep individual? You think you’re the only one? Yes you’re the only one who’s “going though something”?

No! It is harder to deal with the thoughts of other people. When you keep your issues bottled up, your thoughts will twist and turn around in that head of yours and before you know it, a tiny issue becomes a catastrophe. So what in the world are you waiting for? I’m dying to get to know you! I’m begging to understand who you are.

WHO ARE YOU?

Don’t slap on a smile and nod at me. We’re adults aren’t we? The time to play “pretend” has come and gone. We can skip the small talk too, I don’t wanna to hear it. Lay it all out there for me, and watch me be someone who actually cares and will put my best foot forward to show you that I care. I really do care. I’m not telling you to forget and move on. No, take it with you, let it become part of what makes you an interesting character. But let it stop at that. Get over it.It isn’t your life, it isn’t what makes or breaks you. Just saying. 

But go ahead and keep it all inside your head. And I’ll watch you suffer, offer a way out and listen to your refusal. Soon I’ll stop asking all-together and then guess what you’ll come to me wondering if I have time to “talk”. Will I? Of course. I’ll have waited for what seems like forever. I just needed to wait for you to come around and learn for yourself. And maybe it will be sweeter and more worthwhile and I’ll have learned more by that time too. Who knows?

1 Jun

Here we are, some photos of my room in which I’ve lived. As I said, it once was blank, but now it is full of all these beautiful little additions and I absolutely love this room.

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It truly is amazing how the unfamiliar becomes natural and the random becomes common place. What was comfortable to you has now become out of your comfort zone. And what you considered home…is now something foreign to you.

Such is life. A road of ups and downs.

Dear Abby once said: “Don’t let your past dictate who you are, but let it be a part of who you will become.” Wonderful words, but these things are so much easier said than done. How can I take my past self and mold it into the person I am today, or the person I will soon become?

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