Tag Archives: shame

A Penny for Your Thoughts…

6 Aug
The Guilt Trip

The Guilt Trip (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

For someone to be a writer of some sorts it’s good for them to at least attempt to write every once in a while. Am I right or am I right?

Lately I’ve been so caught up in the mistakes that I’ve made, on the ones that I’m continually making. I don’t know if others are plagued by an overwhelming sense of guilt. I’m sure there are. Maybe it’s you, the reader. Maybe the other people out there who suffer from guilt won’t admit it as readily as I do. Well the first step in healing is admitting that there is a problem…am I right or am I right?

Maybe there’s shame in admitting that I feel guilty. Maybe there’s shame in admitting that my thoughts are stronger than my will at times and I succumb to…I don’t even know what.

Here I guess is something that helps me get over those guilty thoughts that sometimes keep me from sleeping. I consider my faith, and I think about how there is an overwhelming love that is far greater than my guilty thoughts.

I think about sitting on a swing, much like a carefree little girl and waiting for someone to gently push me. But then I begin to swing back and forth even though I see no one behind me…time passes and I’m baffled as to who could be moving me and how this could be. After a while I give up looking and just enjoy the moments.

And in one particular instant I tilt my head back, i have a huge smile on my lips. And in that one particular instant I catch a glimpse of a hand holding the strings of my swing. I don’t need too much time to realize where the hand has come from. It’s been there all along, I just had given up looking.

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SLAP!

14 Mar

It was 9:03 pm, I went for a quick trip to the grocery store to buy some snacks to munch on while watching a movie.
I pressed the red button on the security door in my apartment complex and soon was out of the gate and passing the stand where two women sell dried fruit and peanuts. The grocery store wasn’t far from my little abode.

And then a series of moments happened that put me completely out of my comfort zone.

A black BMW pulled up in the parking lot as I walked quickly past, I caught a glimpse of the blue and white trademark and admired the shine of the car’s exterior. I thought briefly about how much a car like that must have cost.

I continued walking.

A few steps later I looked ahead a few feet and shuffling in front of me was a man or woman, it was difficult to tell. Bowed head, eyes averted. Their pants were worn severely, and missing about an inch of material from the pant legs; I could see their ankle bones. My eyes traveled upwards, I noticed holes in the rear-end. One moment later I realized that this person was not wearing anything underneath. I looked away quickly in embarrassment. But couldn’t help myself from trying to see their face. Patches of greasy and matted hair covered their head enough to shield their face from my searching gaze. No eye contact.

Instant shame, instant guilt, instant self-loathing at my own wretched soul.

I continued walking.
Bought my snacks.
Exited the grocery store.

A white BMW pulled up in the parking lot as I walked quickly past, I caught a glimpse of the blue and while trademark and this time instead of looking in admiration, I looked in shame, guilt, even disgust. I thought briefly of how much a car like that must have cost.

I continued walking.

I am blessed. My life is worrying about what I will do next year.
Whoever that person was; their life is worrying about what they can do to survive the next minute. And if that minute comes around…

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