Tag Archives: Thoughts

~Well Well Chanel

24 Sep
A few months ago I wrote a post in complete and utter anger to Coco Chanel in regards to something she always used to say; “Don’t spend time beating on a wall, hoping it will transform into a door.”
No, I’m not taking my words back at all. In fact, f**k you Coco Chanel for your blunt stupid words that take hope away. I’m bringing up that post simply because we were beating on that wall, so hard and at times that we’d crumple in tears and in vain we’d sob. I wished, I prayed with every fibre of my being and soul that this wouldn’t be the outcome. We all wanted to take my mother’s place, the world would be better if she stayed and we went. I’m bringing up that earlier post because I want to reflect. Reflection is good. 

The entire time we were moving on a crumbling dance floor, it was coming out from under us and yet the only thing we could do was continue forward. What choice did we have?  We can’t just jump off this crazy train and say “Alright, I’m done, tired of this, I need something new and exciting.” No. The choice was made for us, and it’s too bad you know? Cause we’re all such control freaks; for something like this to happen beyond the reach of our grasping fingertips; it’s unimaginable. What on earth? How can this be? How will our world continue to spin without such love and beauty, devotion and care?

Well it must spin on, I guess. I am beyond thankful for my family and we’ll move forward together…

A few months ago, when my family discovered what Mom was suffering from we, none of us, understood the gravity and the result of the circumstance. But here we are now, and it’s been a week and day since my family has said goodbye to mom. It’s surreal. I can’t even think to describe the ache and the weight of hurt our hearts feel. Only those who have also lost someone so dear and precious will comprehend…hardship is not relative, hardship is hard.

A few months ago, I had believed with all my aching heart that Mom would recover, because loosing her would mean living without her. Of course I’d thought Mom would go to the hospital, have the extra bout with chemo, come back and she’d be ok, not fine, not great, but ok, she’d be alive. I’d even signed up to do a FearlessChallenge thinking if I threw myself into this… ugh. My heart and my head were floating on a cloud of illusion and they’ve come down now. Because now Mom is gone and yet, not really gone.

BUT, and here it is Coco Chanel; I’m not angry. Of course I’m hurting. Of course I’m broken. Of course I miss her terribly, and I hate that I can’t hug her or tell her I love her. BUT I am not angry. You know the clichés are true? I feel my mom everywhere. No I’m not crazy. I feel her, and I talk to her always. It’s a constant conversation. Here’s the thing, even when I was living in Beijing, I would talk to mom, when I got on a plane I’d say; “Well Mama, here we go again…”I wish I’d told her that. Now I know that she won’t see the photos I take or hear about my adventures I have. But I’m not angry Coco Chanel.

There is beauty if you choose to find it. On September 20th, the day of Mom’s funeral, the sun was shining and it was my nephew’s birthday. He turned seven. And when we came home from saying goodbye, there was a rainbow waiting for us. There was pain and there was life and throughout the entire day I felt Mom just smiling away.

smiling mom

We were hammering on that wall and I truly do believe it turned into a door. I truly do Coco Chanel. It’s not the door I had wanted it to be, but it’s a door none-the-less.

That being said, we will forever and always love and miss you mom. That won’t change.

Us happy people gotta stick together.

Giving won’t bring my mother back it will let someone else keep theirs. Please check out blood.ca to find a clinic and give.

Oh hello hi! Have a Happiness Experience you'd like to share? Well share it here by sending me an email (triciamariadm@gmail.com). AND after you've done that the paradigm of logic states you should like FindingFelicity on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/findingfelicityproject) Pretty please help me spread a smile, and some awareness. Muchos Gracias! Merci Beaucoup! 谢谢! 
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phonethoughts

8 Jun

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Arbitrary photo to match my arbitrary thoughts.

I jot thoughts down while waiting in line, sitting on the bus, riding a subway, waiting for an interview…This is unbelievably random. But you do it too, don’t be shy. There are no connections whatsoever:

The flicker between life and death is not tangible, and yet is reality. As simple as taking a breath and then not breathing. As easy feeling the wind but not seeing it and yet still knowing it exists. Existence is permeable, transitional and untouchable. Existence is not tangible and yet we know it as reality. We know no different. How can we?

It’s a riddle. Such a riddle. Ha!

It’s hilarious, how we think we’re in control and really it’s a facade, kind of like looking in a mirror and thinking to yourself “you got this.” And you leave before you see the mirror look back at you and say “girl you don’t know what’s coming and you don’t know what you think you got.” Because really the person looking back at you would be the black version of yourself if you’re white and the Asian version of yourself if you’re black. It’s all about being received and perceived in a different light then what you actually are.

So here I am sitting in an office that might be a ploy and waiting for a day of observations with a company that could or couldn’t be a next step and beyond myself I have higher hopes. But reality tells me that sometimes those higher hopes aren’t plausible. Part of me knows this is a joke and I’m kidding myself. Ha my life is a tad of a joke. But I have to have a job and some kind of ambition while studying! I need to have something for myself. Even if it’s just a job that’s not so great and I’m working towards something, and maybe just make this could lead to something. Or nothing. Work while studying. I Guess and live at home? No. No way.

Is it worth it? I don’t think so.

Be at each other’s throats left and right; constantly about living and how lives should be lived. “Should” is a hard task-master. You can never please “should”. Once you start trying to you realize you’re straining to attain priceless perfection. For what? Why? We should strive to be happy with being perfectly imperfect. But “should” is a hard task-master and you can never please “should”.

A Penny for Your Thoughts…

6 Aug
The Guilt Trip

The Guilt Trip (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

For someone to be a writer of some sorts it’s good for them to at least attempt to write every once in a while. Am I right or am I right?

Lately I’ve been so caught up in the mistakes that I’ve made, on the ones that I’m continually making. I don’t know if others are plagued by an overwhelming sense of guilt. I’m sure there are. Maybe it’s you, the reader. Maybe the other people out there who suffer from guilt won’t admit it as readily as I do. Well the first step in healing is admitting that there is a problem…am I right or am I right?

Maybe there’s shame in admitting that I feel guilty. Maybe there’s shame in admitting that my thoughts are stronger than my will at times and I succumb to…I don’t even know what.

Here I guess is something that helps me get over those guilty thoughts that sometimes keep me from sleeping. I consider my faith, and I think about how there is an overwhelming love that is far greater than my guilty thoughts.

I think about sitting on a swing, much like a carefree little girl and waiting for someone to gently push me. But then I begin to swing back and forth even though I see no one behind me…time passes and I’m baffled as to who could be moving me and how this could be. After a while I give up looking and just enjoy the moments.

And in one particular instant I tilt my head back, i have a huge smile on my lips. And in that one particular instant I catch a glimpse of a hand holding the strings of my swing. I don’t need too much time to realize where the hand has come from. It’s been there all along, I just had given up looking.

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The Simple Things…

22 Jul

The Simple Things...

There were some phony words that I wanted to write about this photograph taken from the movie Amelie. But then I have been reading The Catcher in the Rye. The main character is quite against people who are phony.

In regards of that, I’ve decided that perhaps it would be best to remain silent. Not tell you what to think while observing this photo, but allow you to think for yourself and come to a conclusion, as to what it could mean for you.

The viewer.

How Comical

11 Jul
Line10 - Zhichunlu Station

Line10 – Zhichunlu Station (Photo credit: Alun K. Wu)

As it would happen, again I found myself caught in the rain. Funny the way things occur huh?

I went to meet some friends of mine, Leah and Gabby. We decided it would be a splendid idea to eat outside, as the weather was slightly sunny and a little windy, so it was gorgeous. We were sat at an outside restaurant in Zhichunlu, just eating our rice, cabbage and mu’er with some egg.

Then the winds came and what would know, there weren’t any seats inside of the restaurant.  How fortunate for us. Well they gave us an umbrella and just then a great down-pour rained down heaven and earth on us. And it seemed as if it would not stop. So there we were, sat with an umbrella pulled down close to the table, huddled and lifting our feet off the ground to keep from getting wet.

There were a few holes in our make-shift roof and so every so often we were blessed with a pleasant spray in the face. What made this experience all the more interesting was that we were the show for all those who were safe and dry inside the restaurant. “Haha,” they say to each other, “Those foreigners, they don’t know any better, what do they think they’re doing?”

Finally the rain subsided, and we emerged, slightly damp, a little worse for wear, but for the most part dry. Leah and I stood on a little concrete wall and waved proudly to our audience. Each of whom, chuckled and shook their heads. Then we dashed off like the free spirits that we are.

And of course it began to rain again.

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