Tag Archives: United States

the Experiment.

6 Mar

*First before you begin. You must read the entire post to reach the point of what I’m writing. 

Side Note:

When I started blogging a few years ago, I thought to myself; “A random publisher, a random millionaire, would find me…tell me I’ve got talent and then say ‘let’s make you famous’.” And then I’d say, “Of course.”

Just do. Leave it there, if it comes, let it come, but don’t look for it. ~ Swami Satchidanada

So I’ve a good 10 “likes” on one of my earlier posts and well in my mind that’s just as good as being famous. Heck, the world knows me now! Am I right or am I right?

***

Throughout my days at my beloved high-school, I was quite obsessed with perfection (as mentioned in my earlier post titled Rambling). Yes, during that time in my life, I allowed myself no deviance, no obscurities, no mishaps. Perhaps that’s why I’ve never dated. If I wasn’t perfect, I’d berate my intellect with harsh comments as if it were an unclean rag.

My formula for life followed the integral rule:

(a negative)(a negative) = a positive.

How does it work?

Let’s say one week I knew I had a huge test coming up. I’d study for hours, write out my notes, memorize, practice, quiz myself and test my knowledge. Like a good student would.

The test day would come, I’d write my test. Then promptly upon exiting the test room, convince myself beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had failed. How could I have passed? I wasn’t bright, I wasn’t brilliant. Yes I had studied, understood and learned what I was meant to. But in the end did it show?

I’d whirl myself into a tizzy, lure my brain into the belief that indeed, “No, I wasn’t smart, I had in fact, failed.”

My logic was that if I made myself believe the worst upon the worst, then when I got the test back and I had failed, then I’d be ready. But, if I got the test back and I’d “aced” it, then the enormous amount of happiness in my heart would be that much greater.

Another example. A certain fellow wants to get to know me more, we hang out. I convince myself that the only reason this is happening is…(you list the reasons). I make myself believe those things, so that when the roof falls through the ceiling; I’ll be ready.

It works.

All throughout high school, throughout college. Practice makes perfect and so over time I’ve become adept at making myself believe the worst. I’m in top form. And I continue to do it. Throughout life I let myself believe the absolute worst about my situation, so that when the worst happens, I’ll at least be ready.

Until recently.

I read an article about positivity. I don’t remember where. I don’t remember who wrote it. But I have it stuck in my mind and it surfaces when those ever so convincing thoughts surface.

In the article the formula for life followed the integral equation:

(a positive)(a positive) = a positive

Meaning if I send out positivity, positivity will find its way back to me.

***

experiment time.

So I’m experimenting with this new formula. I’m thinking those positive thoughts, sending them out into the world and I’m waiting to see what happens in a situation.

The situation:

Met a guy. We hit it off so to speak. Usually I’d think, “Nothing will happen.” BUT on the positive strain I’m forcing myself to believe “Something will spark!”

We’ll see won’t we?

Date Yourself.

19 Nov
Drake Minibus, Kigali

Drake Minibus, Kigali (Photo credit: AdamCohn)

It has become apparent to me, over time that many people don’t think too positively about themselves. duh.

Even Marylin Monroe had negative thoughts. Even Gregory Peck. Justin Timberlake has negative thoughts and so does Drake. So does Barack Obama; so does Stephen Harper. Do not ask me why I picked these names, they simply popped in my head.

We’re insecure. We have low opinions about ourselves. A friend of mine said: “It’s not an attractive quality.” Ok got it. Another friend of mine said that I let people see it. Oops. At least these friends are honest with me.

Didn’t realize there was a stigma on being open. But sadly there is, people judge by what they see and hear from you. Can you catch me while I’m thinking negative thoughts? Nope. But when I voice them; yes you can.

Mental  note: Keep feelings/thoughts to myself.

We continually, measure ourselves to an arbitrary standard. Everyone does it, but it’s whether you notice it or not is the difference.

Your opinion affects me. Everyone’s opinion affects me. But especially those of the people who love me most.

Only because of my insecurities.

My human need and want to please. If I’m not making you happy, than why on earth would I do what I did? Why else would I challenge myself?

For my own gain; to impress myself? No. It’s to impress you, to impress the world. To “stick it” and shout; “Yeah I’ve completed that challenge. What next?” For my own happiness? Perhaps I benefit, but really truly I gain nothing if you aren’t or the world isn’t impressed.

Many people feel the same way.

Some people know, others have heard. Why not make it public? I am an insecure person. BUT who isn’t? The difference here being…I let people see it. Oops. Perhaps I should hide myself a little more from what people see. I used to be really good at that. Maybe I reverted to the opposite extreme.

Where on earth is the middle ground? Did a little bit of research.

There is a significant lack of self-acceptance in our lives. 

We insecure beings have aspects in our lives that will never be good enough. For example, if I think I’m not physically attractive, that will be the hole through which my insecurity flows.

Negativity. It becomes the worst ruler of how you see yourself.  We attempt to hide these faults, but they soon begin to eat away at our perceived confidence.  Soon the person that we’ve built ourselves to be, comes crashing down and we are rubble.

I met a fellow who literally apologized for everything he did. His name was Karl. I could not stand him. Only because I saw qualities in him that reminded me…of who? Myself.

Yeah and he was frustrating. Only because he was quite awesome and didn’t need affirmation. So why should he always apologize?  I mean he was wonderful, why apologize? He was desperate, but he didn’t need to be.

If you’re reading this, you should then infer that I know; I am pretty great. Yup. I am very awesome. And I know it. No doubt about it.

BUT more importantly. So are you. How to make ourselves realize this?

Okay so here is what you and I must do. Let’s work together on this.

Accept ourselves.

Believe and see our weaknesses as aspects that are beneficial to who we are. We are specific, and our weaknesses are what make us human. We are not going forgetting about those things, actually our vulnerability is what makes us beautiful. Are you open about your faults? Good.

Reform it.

Stop it.

Stop thinking those negative thoughts. They’ll not help you. You already know how lovely you are; let’s start from there. Now, put what you see in a positive light.

Make peace with your demons. List everything that has been a deep insecurity, look at each one, work on accepting them and simply come to terms with them. It’ll be hard. But nothing worth doing in life was easy. Am I right or am I right?

We’ll do it together. Arrive at what are our limitations, treat them as attributes and move on. That is all we can do as humans.

Confused? Ok I’ll break it down into one simple sentence:

Get to know yourself first.

Note: I’ll come back and edit this when I’m not sooo tired.

From Left Field

5 Oct

A Different Spin

I usually don’t enjoy writing about politics. I’ve made an acception in this case, and I hope you continue to read to find out exactly what.

Recently watched the presidential debate between President Barack Obama and Governor Mitt Romney. My father offered commentary throughout the entire thing, thus making any comments made by the newscasters superfluous. There was a lot of talk about taxes, about healthcare, about education and social security. Terms like trickle-down government and top-down government and ObamaCare, found their way into the debate.

Nervous laughter followed when a Romney or Obama made a slight jab at the other. But in the end the two shook hands amiably and the viewers all took something away from the event.

I, however, focused on something entirely different from the political aspect of the debate. Now, I enjoy debating just as much as the next person, but I’ll admit; while watching my mind wandered. And wouldn’t you like to know where?

Men.

Of all the things I could think about at a time of high tension, also known as a tipping point in American Politics, I was thinking about men. I hang my head in a little shame. But it’s true. I looked at the debaters from a different light. I placed them (Romney and Obama) in an imaginary pool of men and considered if they would indeed stand out. What would make them different from the other men there?

In my blunt opinion. If I were to venture into that pool of men and have a hypothetical conversation with one. I would look for and be attracted to qualities such as:

Visually

  1. Well dressed, clean clothing: a dapper fellow
  2. A smile, bright eyes: a handsome fellow
  3. Confident stance
  4. Open to conversation
  5. Tall (I’m 5 foot 10)

During Conversation

  1. Intelligent speaker
  2. Articulate/expressive
  3. Opinionated but willing to listen
  4. Class & Culture
  5. Eye Contact
  6. Challenging; not pompous

In light of this list. And yes I am about to reveal which Presidential Candidate I would most be attracted to. Who would I, a mere Canadian girl sauntering through a pool of men, be attracted to, based on the above list?

I’m sure you can deduce who. Now forget about me and think about the citizens of the U.S.A. Consider that country. If it were a woman…whom would she choose?

Going Through Something…

24 Sep
Travel problem

WordPress says that to increase “readership” I should include visuals…I didn’t know what would suit what I’ve written here. So I think this is appropriate.

So remember how I went to India? Well while I was there, I met a guru. He grew up in Canada and helped people for free. Despite his arrogant demeanour and sour smile, what he said was ever so honest. Of course he told me that I need to love myself more, and let my heart love more easily. “Go for it” he said. Ah yes of course. Go for it. Here’s my first attempt at simple plain honesty. And if you read this and feel moved…then don’t just nod your head…make a change. Do something.

Imma go for it:

There is no room in my life for an ego your size. It’s really all about silly pride isn’t it? Dumb, heavy, overbearing and useless. I’m fed up with it and you know the funny thing is…I desperately want to get to know who you are. But you’ve built up these proverbial walls so high, and even when I jump to peek over the top; I’m barely scratching the surface.  Am I making sense?

No? Let me break it down for you. This is what I’ve learned in my short span of what I can scarcely call a life. I’ve learned that hidding your sh**t does nothing for you. It only barricades you from the rest of the world. You (general) think that because you’re hiding it all, it makes you a deep individual? You think you’re the only one? Yes you’re the only one who’s “going though something”?

No! It is harder to deal with the thoughts of other people. When you keep your issues bottled up, your thoughts will twist and turn around in that head of yours and before you know it, a tiny issue becomes a catastrophe. So what in the world are you waiting for? I’m dying to get to know you! I’m begging to understand who you are.

WHO ARE YOU?

Don’t slap on a smile and nod at me. We’re adults aren’t we? The time to play “pretend” has come and gone. We can skip the small talk too, I don’t wanna to hear it. Lay it all out there for me, and watch me be someone who actually cares and will put my best foot forward to show you that I care. I really do care. I’m not telling you to forget and move on. No, take it with you, let it become part of what makes you an interesting character. But let it stop at that. Get over it.It isn’t your life, it isn’t what makes or breaks you. Just saying. 

But go ahead and keep it all inside your head. And I’ll watch you suffer, offer a way out and listen to your refusal. Soon I’ll stop asking all-together and then guess what you’ll come to me wondering if I have time to “talk”. Will I? Of course. I’ll have waited for what seems like forever. I just needed to wait for you to come around and learn for yourself. And maybe it will be sweeter and more worthwhile and I’ll have learned more by that time too. Who knows?

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