Tag Archives: Vulnerble Realization

~Well Well Chanel

24 Sep
A few months ago I wrote a post in complete and utter anger to Coco Chanel in regards to something she always used to say; “Don’t spend time beating on a wall, hoping it will transform into a door.”
No, I’m not taking my words back at all. In fact, f**k you Coco Chanel for your blunt stupid words that take hope away. I’m bringing up that post simply because we were beating on that wall, so hard and at times that we’d crumple in tears and in vain we’d sob. I wished, I prayed with every fibre of my being and soul that this wouldn’t be the outcome. We all wanted to take my mother’s place, the world would be better if she stayed and we went. I’m bringing up that earlier post because I want to reflect. Reflection is good. 

The entire time we were moving on a crumbling dance floor, it was coming out from under us and yet the only thing we could do was continue forward. What choice did we have?  We can’t just jump off this crazy train and say “Alright, I’m done, tired of this, I need something new and exciting.” No. The choice was made for us, and it’s too bad you know? Cause we’re all such control freaks; for something like this to happen beyond the reach of our grasping fingertips; it’s unimaginable. What on earth? How can this be? How will our world continue to spin without such love and beauty, devotion and care?

Well it must spin on, I guess. I am beyond thankful for my family and we’ll move forward together…

A few months ago, when my family discovered what Mom was suffering from we, none of us, understood the gravity and the result of the circumstance. But here we are now, and it’s been a week and day since my family has said goodbye to mom. It’s surreal. I can’t even think to describe the ache and the weight of hurt our hearts feel. Only those who have also lost someone so dear and precious will comprehend…hardship is not relative, hardship is hard.

A few months ago, I had believed with all my aching heart that Mom would recover, because loosing her would mean living without her. Of course I’d thought Mom would go to the hospital, have the extra bout with chemo, come back and she’d be ok, not fine, not great, but ok, she’d be alive. I’d even signed up to do a FearlessChallenge thinking if I threw myself into this… ugh. My heart and my head were floating on a cloud of illusion and they’ve come down now. Because now Mom is gone and yet, not really gone.

BUT, and here it is Coco Chanel; I’m not angry. Of course I’m hurting. Of course I’m broken. Of course I miss her terribly, and I hate that I can’t hug her or tell her I love her. BUT I am not angry. You know the clichés are true? I feel my mom everywhere. No I’m not crazy. I feel her, and I talk to her always. It’s a constant conversation. Here’s the thing, even when I was living in Beijing, I would talk to mom, when I got on a plane I’d say; “Well Mama, here we go again…”I wish I’d told her that. Now I know that she won’t see the photos I take or hear about my adventures I have. But I’m not angry Coco Chanel.

There is beauty if you choose to find it. On September 20th, the day of Mom’s funeral, the sun was shining and it was my nephew’s birthday. He turned seven. And when we came home from saying goodbye, there was a rainbow waiting for us. There was pain and there was life and throughout the entire day I felt Mom just smiling away.

smiling mom

We were hammering on that wall and I truly do believe it turned into a door. I truly do Coco Chanel. It’s not the door I had wanted it to be, but it’s a door none-the-less.

That being said, we will forever and always love and miss you mom. That won’t change.

Us happy people gotta stick together.

Giving won’t bring my mother back it will let someone else keep theirs. Please check out blood.ca to find a clinic and give.

Oh hello hi! Have a Happiness Experience you'd like to share? Well share it here by sending me an email (triciamariadm@gmail.com). AND after you've done that the paradigm of logic states you should like FindingFelicity on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/findingfelicityproject) Pretty please help me spread a smile, and some awareness. Muchos Gracias! Merci Beaucoup! 谢谢! 
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The Simple Things…

22 Jul

The Simple Things...

There were some phony words that I wanted to write about this photograph taken from the movie Amelie. But then I have been reading The Catcher in the Rye. The main character is quite against people who are phony.

In regards of that, I’ve decided that perhaps it would be best to remain silent. Not tell you what to think while observing this photo, but allow you to think for yourself and come to a conclusion, as to what it could mean for you.

The viewer.

Barefoot in Beijing: 没有鞋子在北京北京

10 Jul
An SVG map of China with Beijing municipality ...

An SVG map of China with Beijing municipality highlighted Legend: Image:China map legend.png (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

English: Montage of various Beijing images

English: Montage of various Beijing images (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Not only that but caught in the rain; walking in what you think is the correct direction…only to find that indeed its the wrong direction. Whoopsidaisy.

Although you have to admit that walking in the rain gives you a sense of reality. You’re suddenly brought to grips with life and taken out of the fantasy to realize: life its happening now. Its time to stop waiting for it to “start” and realize what you’ve got is your life, you’re living it now! I’m not trying to be prophetic, just stating what I consider to be truth.

Okay so, I went for dinner with some friends, and went home early. Tried to go home early. Caught the subway, and got off to transfer only to realize that the next line I needed to use was under construction and therefore closed. Lucky me.

“No problem,” I thought, “I’ll take a taxi home, only 10 kuai.”

I walked outside, ambitious and independent. I felt a drip on my arm and instantly roll my eyes, because that means…a huge downpour is about to ensue. Great. Sure enough, down comes the rain. And what’s more, there wasn’t a taxi to be found. So I start walking, I was determined now you see.

It turned out that my determination was all for naught. I was walking in the wrong direction. Go me! Yes, so I turn back around and by this time my feet are a little bit bloody, as I’m wearing some new shoes and wanted to break them in. A thought entered my head that I could just take off my shoes and walk without them. But then that would mean I would be walking barefoot in Beijing, and who knows what I’d walk in…who cares? My feet were incredibly sore. So sore.

Off came the shoes and I walked for a good two kilometers home, in the rain, in Beijing. And this is not the only time that its happened sure enough the next night I was walking home from a movie (which was entirely in Chinese, and I am pleased to say that I understood much of it), when what do you know? Yep, the rain. That dear old rain came down like there would never be another day in the span of time.

I’m not a complete loss, so I pull out my umbrella and continue to walk. Thanks to the umbrella, my head remains dry and so do my shoulders. But my legs and feet are soaking wet, soaking wet.

The second time around that I was walking home, in the rain. I’m so blessed. But then as I said walking in the rain gives you a chance to think about reality. Rain has a way of dampening the heat, wakening the senses and let you really see whats what, and what isn’t. Sometimes I’m struck by reality as it were, quite struck.

Simple things like realizing, I’m actually living in Beijing. Or I’m 23 years old. Or that I have three sisters. Yes, they’re all simple things, but they’re things that I forget quite often these little truths about my life, and about the lives about others.

On those two walks home I remembered the reality that people really at the beginning of their lives each day. They decide what they will do each morning, each day you can be a different person, learn from who you were the day before and better yourself for the day before you.

hmmm…so much to think about.

Oct. 1, 2011

2 Oct

Person A: “The thrill of vulnerability, of opening your heart; it makes us feel alive.”

Person B: “I feel alive when I’m jumping off a building, and free-falling before the tug of the parachute reminds me that at some point I have to land…”

Person A: “Perhaps that is why they call it ‘falling in love’, there’s nothing quite like eh?”

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