Tag Archives: writing

my atypical affair

9 Mar

She casually applied a bright shade of red lipstick and said coldly, “You’re not boring, I’ll give you that.” But still she tapped her foot impatiently.

“It was never in my list of attributions,” he smirked and uncorked a bottle of 1985 Pinot Noir, “You enjoy dry wine?”

“Mmmm, yes,” she took a sip and nodded in appreciation, “But not my favourite.”

He glanced down at the bottle. An expensive bottle, blinked and sighed in resignation, “Unreadable. I’ll give you that.”

“Good. That’s my goal.”

She’s playing it cool, but in reality her heart is beating as fast as a team of wild horses. If he  had bothered to look closer at her, he’d have noticed her hands fidgeting and shaking. But his ego was scorned and now he would give anything to have the upper hand in what was going on. After all, he was supposed to be the unreadable one. 

“I called you.”

“I know you did,” he said and flicked open his lighter, lit a cigarette and took a long drag.

She shoved her hands in her pockets, took a step back, hesitated and finally choked out, “I didn’t know you smoked.”

He pulled the collar up around to his chin, creating an even greater barrier between them, “There’s a lot you don’t know.”

“I see.”

A gust of wind blew her auburn hair in her eyes, she brushed it away thoughtlessly. He would have given anything to be the one to do that a few days ago. But that was then. This is now.

“What happened with this?” she asked and motioned with her hand between the two of them.

***

Perhaps the couple above got things sorted. Perhaps they didn’t. Both were wrapped in themselves, caring too much about their own appearance and not focusing on the other. Both wanted to fast-forward past the awkward bits. She wants him to be madly in love with her but isn’t willing to compromise her feelings and vis versa. Their pride got in the way. 

***

I’ve come to notice a few things about myself and relationships. How they begin, how they end. I’ve realized that it closely resembles my connection, my affair if you will, with writing.  The ups and the downs. They both follow the same pattern.

We meet. I play coy. We hit it off. We hang out for a while. Slowly growing closer. But then I drift off, lose interest and by the same token, so does he. We were never very close to begin with anyways, so it shouldn’t really matter. But in the end, I’m still hurt, needy, just a tad and I wonder why it happened at all in the first place.

And so it’s the same with my writing, my poetry and my blogging. We meet. I play coy. We hit it off. Again slowly growing closer. I hang on to it for a while, but then I lose interest, commitment. I drift off. Our “closeness” was only ever an illusion anyways, so it shouldn’t really matter. But at the end of the day, I’m needy, I wonder what went wrong. Why did we drift so far apart?

Effort. Patience. That’s what’s lacking. Like with the couple first written about, the effort and the simple pure fact that pride overrides the want for “something more”. As with my relationships, I’ve always given my pride a cushy pillow, and taken the short cuts to success.

Not really concerned with if it were to be read by anyone. I didn’t (and still don’t) care whether it would flow or make any continuous sense. I wrote what I thought should be written. Perhaps baring myself to bare. I write based on a pattern discovered in Hollywood.

Actresses who show their top nude are more likely to win an Oscar

Attempting to get recognition the fast way. Anyone who knows anything about relationships would tell me that things take time. I want writing and I to hit the big time the fast way. Just like I want a relationship to happen with the snap of my fingers.

No waiting involved.

Upon further examination; where the couple above “forgot” to mention their want or need for each other, they could have admitted a little “human”ness about them. Instead the situation could have gone something like this:

***

“If I were to tell you, that you’re amazing,” she took a deep breath, “what would you say?”

“I would say, you’re quite amazing yourself,” he whispered and gently clasped her hand.

And then this would happen:

love affair

***

Pure and simple.

 

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As it Happens

26 Sep
2nd third of 17th century

Perhaps I envision myself like this lovely lady…btw, what is her name?

Got to thinking the other day about why I feel the need to write my thoughts and feelings down online for whoever would wish to read my words. There was silence in my brain. Not just any silence really. A deafening silence.

I mean everyone. Or almost everyone writes a blog or aspires to write a novel of some sort. So what on earth separates one from another? Content. Style. Media. If you don’t reach the right combination then what are you doing? Throwing random words up there for no one to read.

And it isn’t as if one person has something to write while another doesn’t. Simply because everybody hurts. Everybody harbours pain in their lives. Everyone is beautiful in their “broken”ness and everyone is writing about it in their blogs, online, for the world to see if the world wishes to.  And what happens when we (everybody) throw up our words? Nothing, we wait, and nothing happens. And maybe someone is “discovered” labeled a “talent” and their lives move on from simply blogging.

And we, everybody else, we continue to blog. Which is great! Go us! I say let’s continue it. Why not? It really isn’t a waste of time. In fact its a constructive use of time. Well at least I believe it is. So keep it up, you intrepid blogger you. Kudos, high-five!

Just because everybody feels pain, it doesn’t lessen yours. You still have the right to feel. So write. Write young grasshopper, write.

Why is it that I feel the need to write things down, post some photos, and maybe a few videos here and there?

  • Is it for the fame? Am I secretly hoping that some big shot will read it. Think ,”Hey, this Tricia girl, she’s great…blah blah blah.” Haha. Yes, of course I think perhaps that could happen. Oh man I can only hope for that to happen, it is a dream. Something that would only ever happen in the movies. But as it happens there isn’t any fame associated with blogging. None. But I’m still going to write.
  • Is it for the practice? Yeah, I guess so. What writer, blogger, or whatever wouldn’t relish the chance to hone their skills? But as it happens, you will not find to best literary prose. Not every blog, but in general.
  • Is it for the readership? Oh man, to develop a following of readers who think that my writing is the be all and end all. Or not even that, for them to think that my words are something of an insight into something that helps them see just a small glimpse into how I see and understand life. But as it happens every human being is a philosopher and psychologist by their own standards.
  • Is it an outlet? But of course it is! I sometimes find that when I’m very angry, happy, depressed, ecstatic or frustrated, I write the best posts. I use it as a venting machine. Other times its simply a way of updating people who care to read.
  • …I really don’t know. Just something to do? Yep, and you know I am going to continue this “theme-less” blog of mine  until my fingers fall off my hands. And even then I’ll find a way.

What is oh so special about MY blog?

  • Nothing is particular actually. My mother and father would beg to differ. But then they’re my mother and father…they have to beg to differ.
  • I’m honest. But then aren’t we all? At least I would desperately like to think humanity is honest. But as it happens, most people seek the chance to rip another person off.
  • I’m quirky. And I come by it honestly. Other people try attempt “quirky”ness. I was born…quirky.
  • I’m decisive.
  • I’m random.

But then maybe you’re reading this and thinking…I’m all of the above and more! Well good for you. Great! Take that and soar with it. I hope you go far! But as it happens, I’ve come to find that some simply look at my blog and like it in the hopes that they would increase their readership. And of course I’ll “like” yours if you “like” mine. Isn’t that how it works? Of course. Yeah it may seem pointless, maybe it is, but who cares! Write, blog, share and let it all out. Throw your words up there.

Are you sensing that I’m sending mixed messages?

It’s only because I’m trying to convince myself too.

Barefoot in Beijing: 没有鞋子在北京北京

10 Jul
An SVG map of China with Beijing municipality ...

An SVG map of China with Beijing municipality highlighted Legend: Image:China map legend.png (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

English: Montage of various Beijing images

English: Montage of various Beijing images (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Not only that but caught in the rain; walking in what you think is the correct direction…only to find that indeed its the wrong direction. Whoopsidaisy.

Although you have to admit that walking in the rain gives you a sense of reality. You’re suddenly brought to grips with life and taken out of the fantasy to realize: life its happening now. Its time to stop waiting for it to “start” and realize what you’ve got is your life, you’re living it now! I’m not trying to be prophetic, just stating what I consider to be truth.

Okay so, I went for dinner with some friends, and went home early. Tried to go home early. Caught the subway, and got off to transfer only to realize that the next line I needed to use was under construction and therefore closed. Lucky me.

“No problem,” I thought, “I’ll take a taxi home, only 10 kuai.”

I walked outside, ambitious and independent. I felt a drip on my arm and instantly roll my eyes, because that means…a huge downpour is about to ensue. Great. Sure enough, down comes the rain. And what’s more, there wasn’t a taxi to be found. So I start walking, I was determined now you see.

It turned out that my determination was all for naught. I was walking in the wrong direction. Go me! Yes, so I turn back around and by this time my feet are a little bit bloody, as I’m wearing some new shoes and wanted to break them in. A thought entered my head that I could just take off my shoes and walk without them. But then that would mean I would be walking barefoot in Beijing, and who knows what I’d walk in…who cares? My feet were incredibly sore. So sore.

Off came the shoes and I walked for a good two kilometers home, in the rain, in Beijing. And this is not the only time that its happened sure enough the next night I was walking home from a movie (which was entirely in Chinese, and I am pleased to say that I understood much of it), when what do you know? Yep, the rain. That dear old rain came down like there would never be another day in the span of time.

I’m not a complete loss, so I pull out my umbrella and continue to walk. Thanks to the umbrella, my head remains dry and so do my shoulders. But my legs and feet are soaking wet, soaking wet.

The second time around that I was walking home, in the rain. I’m so blessed. But then as I said walking in the rain gives you a chance to think about reality. Rain has a way of dampening the heat, wakening the senses and let you really see whats what, and what isn’t. Sometimes I’m struck by reality as it were, quite struck.

Simple things like realizing, I’m actually living in Beijing. Or I’m 23 years old. Or that I have three sisters. Yes, they’re all simple things, but they’re things that I forget quite often these little truths about my life, and about the lives about others.

On those two walks home I remembered the reality that people really at the beginning of their lives each day. They decide what they will do each morning, each day you can be a different person, learn from who you were the day before and better yourself for the day before you.

hmmm…so much to think about.

Stuck for Something

14 Jun

It has been a couple of days/weeks since I’ve written anything and to be honest, even right now I’m not inspired and still am not entirely certain what it is I should be typing. All I know is that I should write…keep my fingers tapping to remind myself that one of my passions is writing.

GAH, but what to write about? I have no clue. Yep there are tons of things in life to get me jotting things down, but are those things happening to me right now currently? Nope. Hence I’m rambling and typing for the sake of typing/writing for the sake of writing. But that can’t be that bad can it?

I guess there has been something on my mind lately. Limbo. Being in limbo, not teetering, not reeling forward or backward. Just being in limbo. Stagnant. If I were to tell my friends here that though, they would firmly disagree with me. After all I have a great job, wonderful roommates, an awesome apartment, a loving family…all that jazz. What more could I want?

Nothing right? Of course, but is that what I want? Nope. I would rather my life be teetering than in limbo, at least then I would be moving. But right now I’ve absolutely not one single clue as to what I will do for the rest of my life. Can I get a holla? haha..

Just kidding. But seriously, I think that the entire human race goes through this at some point in their lives. And here I am now. I mean before this there was school and nothing else in life…it was all planned for me, there was nothing really to concern myself with you know?  Now I’ve got to consider the difference I’ll make in the lives of other people as well as how on earth I’m going to make use of myself.

Oi Vey. (Not sure about the spelling here, but I know that it means an intensified version of “Oh dear”)

So here we go, I’m weighing down those thoughts of grandiose I’d had when I was younger and believed the world was my oyster. I wanted to be an investigative journalist and a foreign correspondent like Laraine Day in the 1940s film;

Laraine Day in Foreign Correspondent

Laraine Day in Foreign Correspondent (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

living in the east or something where my life would be on edge. I’d bring awareness, solve problems, make the world know how they can make a difference one individual at a time.

BUT…all of that was conjecture, fantasy and although I still dream of doing all of those things, I had forgotten that to get to the top one must start at the bottom. Which is logical, just not at all pleasant.

So that is how I find myself at the moment. In Limbo not at all certain where the next step should be. Its not that I’ve fallen into a mentality of merely making in through the day, no I’m still living, I guess I just need a direction.

Hmmm…rather than considering my entire life’s future right now; perhaps I should take one step just to move forward. See where it takes me, discover the little aspects that make each person’s life different and go from there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPK86RakT64

Funny how I started this with not a single clue of what to write and I’ve come out of it with yet another cliche to apply to my life.

Hibernation

8 Mar

Back from a hiatus in which no writing was completed. What can I say? Do I have an excuse for myself?
No.
Well…
Simply that although I know its good to rest; I don’t. Sometimes rest constitutes taking a break from potentially important things and only focusing on what is already truly essential.Not that writing isn’t important…perhaps my cliche thoughts took a break instead and so the writing hesitated along with it.

So are cliche thoughts unimportant?
No comment.

What do you think?

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